Five side-hustles that will make you an extra 35p a year

LOOKING to earn extra cash? These side-hustles will take up all of your spare time and earn you a negligible amount of money.

Design your own T-shirts

People will wear T-shirts with any old crap on them, which is lucky for you as you’re unimaginative and have no artistic skills. Once you’ve forked out for the T-shirts, printing materials and distribution costs, you can just put your feet up and watch the interest on your eye-watering business loan steadily accumulate.

Projected annual earning: Minus £8,000

Start a podcast

Podcasts are a great way to monetise tediously nerdy conversations that used to be confined to the pub. Got strong opinions about Star Trek Generations? There’s a hungry audience of half a dozen geeks out there who will listen to the first five minutes before finding something more interesting to do, which won’t be difficult.

Projected annual earning: Minus £249 for a fancy microphone.

Self-publish an e-book

Everyone has a book inside them, but in your case that’s exactly where it should stay. If you have to type out your boring thoughts, don’t expect them to be optioned by a film company and turned into a blockbuster franchise. Even if that happens everyone will ridicule your literary achievement, just like the Fifty Shades of Grey series.

Projected annual earning: Potentially millions but realistically zilch.

Create a YouTube channel

You can either create your own carefully edited videos and build an audience over the course of years, or you can simply upload and monetise hilarious clips of Bob Mortimer on Would I Lie To You? The latter might not be honest work, but it will turn you more of a steady profit than anything your brain could think of.

Projected annual earning: 35p and a copyright infringement notice

Do online surveys

Once you’ve done the legwork of finding reputable survey sites and getting scammed by shady ones, you’ll be able to tick boxes online while getting paid less than minimum wage. You could have used this time to learn skills that would land you a great job, and now you’ve got nothing to show for it except RSI.

Projected annual earning: Not even worth calculating

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Fisherman's tranquil day of country drinking ruined by massive f**king fish

AN angler’s quiet day boozing amid the wonders of nature was completely ruined by catching a huge, smelly, slimy fish.

Stephen Malley was on his sixth can of Stella when his peace was shattered by a monster 20lb carp taking the bait he had almost forgotten was in the water.

Malley said: “I’m not that into fishing, but it does provide the perfect pretext to get leathered sat under a tree without people thinking you’re just a hobo.

“But then this f**ker had to come along and ruin it. I was happily dozing off and then next thing I know I’m locked in pissed mortal combat with something the size of my bloody dining table.

“Have you ever tried to grapple with basically the equivalent of a muscle-bound bar of soap after you have had a skinful? It’s a total nightmare.

And now I’ve got a giant fish taking up all the space in the fridge. I’m considering a new hobby based entirely around being absolutely shitfaced in the sun instead, like watching cricket.”