Maverick office worker who doesn't play by the rules immediately fired

AN office worker who gets results by never going by the book and using his own unorthodox methods has been dismissed on his first day.

New employee Tom Logan, 33, began his first day at Barton Insurance Services by leaving his car parked in a haphazard way outside the main entrance, causing a major obstruction.

Logan – who spent a long period of unemployment watching The Professionals on ITV 4 – then began flirting with a female receptionist in a way that breached HR guidelines on sexual harassment.

Line manager Norman Steele said: “From the moment he put his feet up on my desk revealing a pair of cowboy boots it was clear that he would be unlikely to make it till lunchtime.

“He spoke about having a ‘hunch’ and swore that if we gave him 48 hours he’d deliver. I’d only asked if he was familiar with spreadsheets. 

“Also here at Barton Insurance Services we don’t operate on hunches but on reliable data produced by our in-house team of qualified business analysts.

“At this point, he swept a tray of invoices off my desk and stormed out of the office, saying ‘Stuff your rules!’. Naturally I was immediately onto security.

“He was escorted out of the building and pointed in the direction of the impound location where his Ford Capri had been towed.”

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How to slim down for summer in a batsh*t insane way

HAVE you run out of time to get slim for summer? Here are some weight-loss tips that are even more unhinged than the usual nonsense.

Go on a diet you have no chance of sticking to

Invent a totally unrealistic diet such as only eating one apple a day. Then wonder why you can’t stick to it and start binge-eating kebabs and entire blocks of cheese from the fridge. (Answer: your body does not want to die.)

Train super-hard at the gym

Go mental at the gym in the few days left before your holiday as if your frantic exercise will burn off the fat there and then. It won’t, but you may avoid feeling self-conscious at the beach by suffering a horrific injury and having to cancel your holiday. 

Wear a lot of black

Not really losing weight, but black clothes are widely believed to be ‘slimming’. You’ll be desperately hot and sweaty in the sun, and it also has the downside of making you look like a Goth, ISIS executioner or, worst of all, a jazz buff.

Consult the Daily Mail 

The Mail is the bible of dubious dietary advice. Convince yourself you’ll soon be as skinny as a supermodel if you adopt some logic-free diet that consists of kale soup on Tuesdays and Thursdays, banana sandwiches for the rest of the week and 15 steaks and 75 fried eggs at the weekend.

Find a deadly weight-loss method on the internet

Spend £120 on dodgy diet pills from Latvia which may contain tapeworms, dangerous levels of amphetamines, or both. If this doesn’t work, find a crackpot site about DIY liposuction surgery you can do in the bath with a bread knife, a bottle of TCP and a vacuum cleaner.