Boyfriend of six months looks sh*t in summer

A WOMAN who has been seeing her new partner since January has only now realised that he looks terrible in hot weather. 

Carolyn Ryan’s relationship with Stephen Malley was going from strength to strength until the sun came out and he began dressing like Peter Andre. 

She said: “It was fantastic to find that beneath that puffa jacket Steve had a really muscular body. What wasn’t good was discovering that as soon as it’s hot he has it out all the time. 

“All the girls at work were pissing themselves because some Love Island wannabe in a shirt open to the waist, gold chains and Daisy Dukes was hanging around in reception. I went over to join in the fun and there was Steve. 

“How was I to know? He doesn’t wear muscle vests and flip-flops when it’s pissing it down in March. He’s actually kind and sensitive. But a bit of blue sky and apparently he’s auditioning for Magic Mike 3

“We’re going to Ibiza next month. He’ll be strutting round with that six-pack that used to be our special secret. I’m going to be so ashamed.” 

Malley said: “Yeah, Carolyn’s gone a bit odd. She refused to wear a bikini top just because we were going to a fancy restaurant. Why? It’s summer.” 

Woman writing CV wondering how to make 'binge drinking' sound like a hobby

A WOMAN who spends all her spare time getting sh*tfaced with her mates is struggling to make it sound like a respectable extracurricular interest.

Nikki Hollis would like employers to think she is a well-rounded individual rather than someone who counts drinking 19 shots of tequila without passing out as one of her greatest achievements.

Hollis said: “Work takes up a depressingly large part of my week so when I’ve got time off I want to spend it relaxing by drinking until I vomit, but it’s hard to make that sound good on a CV.

“The closest I’ve got is ‘socialising with friends’, but they’ll see through that in a second. Maybe I could put ‘volunteering with substance abusers’, which is essentially the truth when it comes down to it.

“I got wasted in a country pub a few months ago, so maybe I could put ‘Exploring the countryside’. If they ask about it, I’ll just say something about trees and sh*t, not puking up in the taxi. 

“I could totally lie and say I enjoy mentoring young people or volunteering in a soup kitchen, but then I might sound like a sanctimonious little tw*t. 

“Maybe I’ll just put ‘knitting’.”

Potential employer Francesca Johnson said: “Nikki needn’t worry because after a few years working here everyone becomes a borderline alcoholic. Excuse me, I have to drink some vodka from the bottle in my desk.”