First date ideas that will guarantee your relationship is doomed

DO you think it would be ‘fun’ to have a first date at a wedding? If that sounds like a good idea then here are some even worse suggestions.

Dinner with your parents

Even if you really love your family, getting your parents involved at this stage will make you look like Anthony Perkins in Psycho, even if you haven’t killed them and stuffed them. Yet.

An exercise class

A terrible idea because: (a) wearing sports kit makes normal people feel embarrassed and socially anxious, and (b) you won’t be able to drink excessively to combat said anxiety. Not to mention the fact that your date is running the risk of getting into a long-term relationship with a tedious fitness fanatic.

Anything to do with kids 

You might, for example, really enjoy looking after your sister’s children, and that’s great. But as a date it has the subtext ‘WE CAN BE BREEDING PARTNERS SOON’, which isn’t all that sexy. 

Camping

Suggesting a camping trip might seem spontaneous and interesting, but you’re essentially asking a stranger to spend the night with you in a remote place. You know, like a murderer would. Also it’s pretty hard to look attractive while wearing wellies and clutching a bog roll as you stumble off to the communal toilets for a sh*t.

Going for a drink with your ex

Or anything at all to do with your ex, who probably dumped you for being a bit of a weirdo in the first place.

Friend horrified to discover she is considered 'best friend'

A WOMAN has been appalled to find that a casual friend believes she is her ‘best friend’.

Helen Archer had previously seen pal Nikki Hollis as someone convenient to go drinking with and assumed the feeling was mutual until unexpectedly told that they shared a ‘special bond’.

She said: “When did I become her best friend? It’s great that Nikki really likes and respects me but it’s also creepy, frightening and wrong.

“We were on our second Rioja when Nikki casually said how nice it was to have a best friend. I almost said ‘Yeah, like me and my mate Kelly,’ but realised just in time she meant me and a chill went down my spine.

“It’s like Dave who I flirt with at work suddenly saying he’s married to me and now we have to live together and have babies.

“I’m worried we’ll have to do ‘best friend’ things now. If she has kids do I have to be a godparent, whatever that means? Do I have to comfort her when her mum’s ill? I don’t even know if she’s got a mum. This is a nightmare.”

Hollis said: “Of course Emma’s pretending we’re just normal friends. Not many people have got a best friend with such a wicked sense of humour.”