Woman will follow Google Maps into the sea if she has to

A WOMAN following her phone’s satellite navigation has total faith in it regardless of evidence, she has confirmed.

Emma Bradford, 26, has been driving for nearly double her expected journey time and has seen several signs suggesting she is on the wrong side of the country but remains committed regardless.

She said: “I’m not going to give up on Google Maps at the first sign of a cliff edge. I trust it.

“Yes, I’d never realised that Devon was on the way from Manchester to Nottingham, but this is probably some kind of 150-mile rat run to avoid congestion on the motorway. It’s so clever.

“The only other option would be to switch the phone off and try and read the signs like some kind of cave man. That doesn’t bear thinking about.”

Passenger Stephen Malley said: “We’re far too invested now to change course. Emma’s gripping the wheel white-knuckled with grim determination, like the captain at the helm of a sinking ship.

“The only honourable option is to reach the destination Google Maps is sending us to and begin a new life there.”

Your guide to doing a drunk supermarket shop

DO you sometimes go to the supermarket under the influence of too much alcohol? Here’s how to successfully shop while sh*tfaced: 

Imagine you have limitless cash

Pack your trolley with high-end luxury items, before waking up the next day and realising you’re skint thanks to £20 wine that tastes identical to the cheap stuff and a frozen lobster you’re too frightened to look at, let alone cook.

Pathetically pretend to be sober

Walk around in a clumsily confident way and study mundane items like packets of pasta in great detail while talking loudly to yourself. People won’t suspect you’re drunk because they’ll be too busy staying well away from you.

Buy strange stuff

Suddenly become very adventurous and buy things like quails’ eggs, chicken livers and star anise. When you sober up, realise you’ve got a load of random stuff even Michel Roux couldn’t turn into an edible meal, then get KFC delivered.

Chat at the checkout

Chat and joke with supermarket staff, perhaps enquiring what shifts they work. In your inebriated mind you’ll be the classless friend of people from all walks of life and not a patronising, drunk tw*t.

Be dazzled by choice

Larger supermarkets, especially those that have an upstairs, offer a galaxy of choice. Stagger around starry-eyed and come away with a three-in-one avocado slicer, inflatable kayak or a collapsible gazebo for that day 30 years hence when you have a garden.

Trolleyswap

Bored of your trolley? Take someone else’s, and spend the next week living on the groceries of a 76-year-old woman who spoils her grandchildren.