Office coaxes workers back with 'no trousers' policy

OFFICES across Britain are trying to tempt employees to stop working from home by allowing them to go completely bottomless. 

Realising that staff accustomed to Zoom meetings and doing spreadsheets at the kitchen table find skirts and trousers an unjust imposition, businesses are promising a more relaxed nude-from-the-waist-down dress code.

Start-up CEO Julian Cook said: “We’ve always been a really casual, chill work environment. We don’t care what you wear or have pierced, as long as you’re logged on between 8am and 9pm and constantly accessible outside of those hours.

“And now we’ve dropped all requirement for the lower body to be clothed, we’re already seeing the benefits. Employees are flooding back in to enjoy the air-conditioning on their genitalia and the free pizza.

“Sure, HR are hearing a lot about sweaty bum-prints on chairs and one guy got his knackers trapped in the table football, but he never really had the right attitude anyway.”

IT executive Grace Wood-Morris said: “Everyone’s got their arses out. It’s deeply unpleasant just to be here and I’d do anything to leave.

“So just like before, but with arses.”

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Boomers declare victory

BOOMERS have declared a final, crushing victory over Generation X, millennials, and the Zoomers who will be forced to pay for their social care.

After years of getting their own way on house prices, climate change and Brexit, boomers believe they have now vanquished all other generations for good.

Retired headmistress Margaret Gerving said: “Your surrender is unconditional. Your defeat is total. Your purpose in life is to pay for our deaths.

“You pathetic snowflakes have forced us to live in a world of genderfluid, Black Lives Matter, Extinction Rebellion nonsense, but you’re still footing the bill.

“I’ll enjoy my long slow decline into decrepitude, revelling as my body and mind need more and more expensive help, assured in the knowledge that annoying youngsters – by which I mean anyone under 55 – are paying through the nose for my senility and incontinence.

“What do you mean, I sound selfish? I’m just a harmless little old lady who wants to give the proceeds of selling my four-bedroom detached house to the local donkey sanctuary.”

Sophie Rodriguez, aged 23, said: “Just another two decades of financing history’s most overprivileged bastards to go. Come on, guys. We can do this.”