Office f**ked without the one woman who knows what she’s doing

AN office is in meltdown because the one member of staff who understands how everything works has taken the day off.

Administrator Donna Sheridan’s absence has left a Stevenage-based insurance broker in a state of panic reminiscent of the last days of Hitler’s bunker.

Managing director Roy Hobbs said: “How the hell am I meant to phone our suppliers if Donna doesn’t look them up and write the number on a Post-It note for me?

“Apparently they’re all in a ‘spreadsheet’ on ‘the network’ but I’m not paid to understand that sort of impenetrable cyber-jargon.

“We can’t even get into the toilets because the door’s got a code only Donna can remember. We’ve made a makeshift latrine from a bin surrounded by whiteboards. It is not pleasant.”

Company accountant Emma Bradford said: “I tried to pay some invoices, but after randomly clicking in the payment software, £14,000 disappeared and I don’t know where to.

“I also wish she’d told us that refilling the photocopier by pouring ink in the back will make it go ‘bang’ and all the lights will go off.”

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Gran who doesn’t understand politics really impressed by Theresa May

A WOMAN who mostly ignores politics thinks Theresa May is a wonderful person doing her best in difficult circumstances.

Mary Fisher sees May as a ‘firm but fair’ headmistress type who just wants the best for Britain, rather than an ambitious but strangely incompetent political operator.

Fisher, 63, said: “With this Brexit business going on we’re lucky to have someone sensible in charge who won’t do anything silly to damage the country.

“I think we should get rid of all the troublemakers like Corbyn who just like the sound of their own voice if you ask me.

“She keeps saying we need to be careful with money, which I agree with. I expect she’s like me and saves things in jam jars in case you suddenly need 300 elastic bands.”

Daughter Emma Fisher said: “I’ve tried explaining to her that May is in it for herself, but she just says at least she doesn’t slouch like all the young people these days.”