Six emails to send at 5pm on Friday for maximum damage

ARE you a workplace twat who wants to ruin people’s weekends? These emails will ensure your colleagues return on Monday stressed and unhappy.

‘Can we talk about this on Monday?’

While not explicitly a threat, the person on the receiving end knows they’re in for a bollocking and will be unable to think about anything else for the next two days.

‘Have you had a chance to look at this yet?’

The old rhetorical question. If they had, you wouldn’t be sending this email, and you know that by the time they churn through it you’ll have knocked off for the weekend anyway. Well played.

‘Could you give this another go over the weekend?’

Christ, you’re blunt. While others might say they want it by Monday – which means the same thing – you really have no guilt about asking your co-worker to give up their time off for a Powerpoint presentation three people will see.

‘We’re going to have to work late’

If you want to make your underlings miserable right now, fire this off. Naturally it should just be a pathetic power trip over something that could be dealt with on Monday, or Tuesday, or two weeks on Thursday.

‘This isn’t what I asked for’

It’s cold, but vague — who knows what you really wanted, and maybe you didn’t know yourself? As they give up their free time it will feel all the more pointless. 

‘Call me, now’

Don’t elaborate and imagine the expression on their face when this comes through to their Outlook just as they’re about to shut down. A beautiful way to round off a hellish work week. 

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Gove reassures Kent that one portaloo for 200 lorry drivers probably won't affect property prices

MICHAEL Gove has told the people of Kent that the all-pervasive smell of lorry drivers’ excrement will actually be a ‘Brexit bonus’ for the county.

In particular he sought to reassure Brexit voters, who thought they were getting £350 million a week for the NHS, zero immigration and bendy bananas, but are literally getting shit instead.

Gove said: “Our world-beating portaloos may not be able to cope with every call of nature from lorry drivers. And thanks to hearty English breakfasts with their cheap sausages, it’s going to be pretty pungent. 

“But we must focus on the bonuses. For example, the faeces deposited under hedgerows can easily be repurposed, using British enterprise, as fertiliser for our wonderful English roses.

“They say Kent is the ‘garden of England’. Well, this garden will have more than adequate supplies of manure.

“I can assure residents that the county will be as desirable to live in as ever, once you’ve got used to the smell and finding alternative routes round the traffic jams.”

When asked who would retrieve the excrement, Gove said: “Don’t worry, there’s plenty of migrant workers who’ll happily do that sort of thing. Ah. Let me get back to you on that one.”