Legendary comedy series 'Scotland in a tournament' returns for 2021

THE BBC has delighted viewers by announcing the surprise return of much-loved comedy series ‘Scotland in a football tournament’ next year.

The comedy has not been screened since 1998 but was a favourite of British viewers throughout the 70s and 80s, with highlights including a 1-1 draw with Iran keeping the nation laughing through dark times.

A BBC spokesman said: “Last year we brought back Gavin & Stacey. In 2021 it’s the Scottish national team’s turn to keep everyone smiling.

“People are going to be asking ‘How could they be back in a tournament, after last time?’ but we’ve concocted a convincing backstory involving consecutive penalty shootout wins to explain the seemingly impossible.

“I can’t reveal what’s going to happen, but if you like classic slapstick moments from the past like losing to Costa Rica, or bittersweet bathos like beating the Netherlands and getting kicked out on goal difference, get ready to split your sides.”

Stephen Malley of Reading said: “It was the funniest show, there’d be all this build-up and hype and then they never get past the group stage, not ever, not even once. I can’t wait.”

However Bill McKay of Inverness disagreed: “I never liked it personally. It wasn’t funny. It was just cruel.”

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I superforecasted all this, says Cummings

DOMINIC Cummings has confirmed that he superforecasted everything about the current Downing Street row, including being out on his arse.

The prime minister’s special adviser, who can predict the future with 98 per cent accuracy simply by extrapolating from current events, says his forthcoming ejection from Downing Street is no surprise to him.

Cummings said: “As soon as we won the election, as I’d predicted, I sat down and plotted out the next year. Pandemic included.

“I foresaw, through the power of my superforecasting, the coming of coronavirus. I knew Boris would catch it and that I, like the genius I am, would flee to Durham, get caught and destroy the public’s trust in government. That was all part of the plan.

“Then I foresaw that Trump would lose, that my masterstroke of breaking international law for Brexit would be quietly dropped, and that Boris’s bird would kick me out in a row over my bald mate Lee.

“Like Dr Manhattan in Watchmen, I foresaw it all but am powerless to change the future. All must proceed as it must. My arse will hit the bricks exactly on schedule.”

He added: “Following that, my superforecast reveals I will get several highly-paid consultant gigs then be fired for spending all day googling Inception fan theories.”

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