TEMPTED to follow your dreams by signing up for a Guardian masterclass? These picks will suit the poncey twat you hope to become:
Writing a novel
Publishing is more of a charity than a business, so they’ll love your introspective novel about an Italian woman you almost shagged on holiday in your 20s. Waterstones will be clearing the shelves of Caitlin Moran memoirs and The Girl on the Train knock-offs to make room for that.
Making a documentary
Worthy, glamorous, and a great new career for jaded middle-aged Guardian readers. It’s not like you need experience or contacts in TV, so book now and start practising your Adam Curtis voice to narrate your BBC2 series. ‘Sobering and revelatory’, the imaginary critic in your head claims, even though you’ve not decided what it’ll be about yet.
Becoming a journalist
A two-and-a-half hour webinar is all you need to enter this highly competitive field. Ideal if you prefer fantasising about uncovering high-level corruption to actually working your way up from a local paper writing about planning permission and dog mess. As if Guardian journalists would train you to take their jobs. Though they will take your money.
Negotiation, leadership and other business toss
Supercharge your existing career with some vague advice about business. Then be deeply disappointed when your boss doesn’t need a bullish risk-taker or visionary ‘change leader’ and just wants you to find a cheaper paper supplier.
Be a film critic
You like watching films and have opinions on whether they’re good or not, so this is perfect for you. Readers will love your witty takedowns of the latest Marvel toss. Quentin Tarantino will invite you to his parties. Ignore the fact that this is an incredibly niche career and you’d stand more chance of becoming the first astronaut on the sun.
Professional cookery writing
At last you can monetise your culinary genius. But nobody cares that the ‘lascivious bacon slices and plucky little capers provided an emotional epiphany to my frozen Asda pizza,’ and it turns out you only know six recipes and two of them are crisp sandwiches.