Six Guardian masterclasses for the deluded ponce

TEMPTED to follow your dreams by signing up for a Guardian masterclass? These picks will suit the poncey twat you hope to become:

Writing a novel

Publishing is more of a charity than a business, so they’ll love your introspective novel about an Italian woman you almost shagged on holiday in your 20s. Waterstones will be clearing the shelves of Caitlin Moran memoirs and The Girl on the Train knock-offs to make room for that.

Making a documentary

Worthy, glamorous, and a great new career for jaded middle-aged Guardian readers. It’s not like you need experience or contacts in TV, so book now and start practising your Adam Curtis voice to narrate your BBC2 series. ‘Sobering and revelatory’, the imaginary critic in your head claims, even though you’ve not decided what it’ll be about yet.

Becoming a journalist

A two-and-a-half hour webinar is all you need to enter this highly competitive field. Ideal if you prefer fantasising about uncovering high-level corruption to actually working your way up from a local paper writing about planning permission and dog mess. As if Guardian journalists would train you to take their jobs. Though they will take your money.

Negotiation, leadership and other business toss

Supercharge your existing career with some vague advice about business. Then be deeply disappointed when your boss doesn’t need a bullish risk-taker or visionary ‘change leader’ and just wants you to find a cheaper paper supplier.

Be a film critic

You like watching films and have opinions on whether they’re good or not, so this is perfect for you. Readers will love your witty takedowns of the latest Marvel toss. Quentin Tarantino will invite you to his parties. Ignore the fact that this is an incredibly niche career and you’d stand more chance of becoming the first astronaut on the sun.

Professional cookery writing

At last you can monetise your culinary genius. But nobody cares that the ‘lascivious bacon slices and plucky little capers provided an emotional epiphany to my frozen Asda pizza,’ and it turns out you only know six recipes and two of them are crisp sandwiches.

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Man who's been drunk since pubs opened on verge of truly devastating hangover

A MAN who has been consistently pissed for the last fortnight is on the brink of a truly catastrophic hangover. 

Roy Hobbs marched straight out to support his local by drinking a few pints when it reopened its doors on April 12th, but has now been completely trolleyed for more than two weeks and is on the verge of the most momentous hangover in human history.

Mr Hobbs said: “It was only meant to be a couple with some mates. Relaxed, in a beer garden, celebrating the end of lockdown.

“But it seemed selfish to restrict our business to one pub, so we did a few, then a few more, and now a fortnight’s gone by and I’ve been smashed the whole time and I’m not ready for what’s next. My head hurts just thinking about it.

“I’ve had some hangovers in my time but I think this could be the big one. A pint of water and two paracetamol won’t isn’t going to save me this time.

“The prudent option seems to be to keep drinking until the next lockdown’s declared. Even then I might just drink further and further north until I’m over the Scottish border where they’ll stay open.”

Hobbs then fell asleep with his head on the table, oblivious to the cataclysmic gathering storm in his head.