WANT a glimpse of humanity at its most deplorable? Polish your CV and apply for one of these jobs:
Waiter
Ever wondered what it would feel like to be summoned by an arrogant city worker who’s trying to impress a date by snapping their fingers at you? Then go for a career in the service industry. At least you’ll get the last laugh as you watch them wolf down a carbonara sprinkled with your most noxious secretions.
Taxi driver
Working night shifts as a taxi driver is essentially a question of when, not if, your back seat will get vomited on. You’ll either be dealing with raucous drunks on their way to a nightclub, or raucous drunks on their way home from a nightclub who don’t trust themselves to get a night bus. Include the deep-cleaning bill in their fare.
Helpline operator
Your sole purpose is to interact with people thoroughly pissed off that the product or service they’ve paid for isn’t working. They know you’re a temp working from home but will still act as if you built their new laptop which keeps randomly shutting off, and will bollock you accordingly. Put them on hold frequently then cut them off. It’s what they deserve and expect.
Bartender
Your job is to serve drunk people alcohol. Without you, the drunk people would have no access to the alcohol. Yet for some reason 90 per cent of drunken idiots view you as an obstacle between them and their next drink. Remind these arseholes who’s boss by serving them a pints that are mainly head and charging them double.
Retail worker
Prepare to be constantly badgered by idiotic customers asking you why you don’t stock a certain jumper in a particular size, as if you simply hadn’t bothered to knit one for them overnight when you were obviously making the rest of the clothes in the shop. The faster online shopping puts an end to all face-to-face retail interaction the better.
