Taxi driver, and four other professions where you meet people at their very worst

WANT a glimpse of humanity at its most deplorable? Polish your CV and apply for one of these jobs:


Ever wondered what it would feel like to be summoned by an arrogant city worker who’s trying to impress a date by snapping their fingers at you? Then go for a career in the service industry. At least you’ll get the last laugh as you watch them wolf down a carbonara sprinkled with your most noxious secretions.

Taxi driver

Working night shifts as a taxi driver is essentially a question of when, not if, your back seat will get vomited on. You’ll either be dealing with raucous drunks on their way to a nightclub, or raucous drunks on their way home from a nightclub who don’t trust themselves to get a night bus. Include the deep-cleaning bill in their fare.

Helpline operator

Your sole purpose is to interact with people thoroughly pissed off that the product or service they’ve paid for isn’t working. They know you’re a temp working from home but will still act as if you built their new laptop which keeps randomly shutting off, and will bollock you accordingly. Put them on hold frequently then cut them off. It’s what they deserve and expect.


Your job is to serve drunk people alcohol. Without you, the drunk people would have no access to the alcohol. Yet for some reason 90 per cent of drunken idiots view you as an obstacle between them and their next drink. Remind these arseholes who’s boss by serving them a pints that are mainly head and charging them double.

Retail worker

Prepare to be constantly badgered by idiotic customers asking you why you don’t stock a certain jumper in a particular size, as if you simply hadn’t bothered to knit one for them overnight when you were obviously making the rest of the clothes in the shop. The faster online shopping puts an end to all face-to-face retail interaction the better.

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Everyone under 25 essentially still little children

PEOPLE aged 25 and under are not the adults they believe because they still behave like tiny little children.

Despite being legally allowed to drive, get married, and drink and enter nightclubs, people under the age of 25 should be classified and treated as young kids because that is pretty much what they are.

Social scientist Dr Helen Archer said: “We searched far and wide to find a mature and sophisticated young person, but they simply don’t exist anymore. There must have been a mass extinction event in the mid to late eighties.

“People under 25 can barely fend for themselves, know f**k all, and most of them are shit with money, and yet we’re expected to take them seriously and allow them to vote? It’s utter madness.

“They listen to childish music, have half-thought-out opinions that you repeat to friends when you want a good laugh, dress in silly, garish clothing and act like conversations about mortgages are boring. Sounds like a kid to me.

“If you lined up a bunch of young people aged from one to 25, I’d struggle to notice any difference once they’re not crawling around in nappies. That might make me sound ageist but they all look the same when they’re covered in glitter.

“No, I’m not jealous of their youth, limitless potential, and abundance of opportunities to look forward to, why do you ask? I’m only in my late 40s, which by my new categorisation puts me in my early 20s.”