AUDI’S driverless cars will be specially programmed to treat other road users just as badly as current Audi drivers.
The AI in the German manufacturer’s cars will speed, drive an inch from your rear bumper flashing its lights, cut you off and ignore red lights just like the actual arsehole owners of their cars.
Sophie Rodriguez, a programmer working on the prototype car said: “Many people are hoping that driverless cars will help make our roads a safer, kinder place. At Audi we’re working hard to stop that from happening.
“Audis have become synonymous with a particular style of motoring. We appeal to the sort of arrogant bell-end who’d happily shunt his own mother’s car into a lorry if it meant he’d get to a meeting three seconds quicker. It’s important to our brand that we continue that trend.
“Thanks to our patented and twattish Audi AI, other road-users will notice no difference between our driverless car and one with a complete knobhead behind the wheel.
“On motorways it will drive right up your arse before cutting across three lanes of traffic smoothly, efficiently and with a maximum of danger to other road-users. It will also incessantly beep at any car with going an unacceptable ten miles over the speed limit, and completely blank ambulances trying to get by.”
Audi owner and prospective buyer Roy Hobbs said: “This sounds great. It will free up so much time I can focus on being an utter prick in other areas of my life.”
