Self-driving Audis programmed to be aggressive tailgating dickheads

AUDI’S driverless cars will be specially programmed to treat other road users just as badly as current Audi drivers.

The AI in the German manufacturer’s cars will speed, drive an inch from your rear bumper flashing its lights, cut you off and ignore red lights just like the actual arsehole owners of their cars.

Sophie Rodriguez, a programmer working on the prototype car said: “Many people are hoping that driverless cars will help make our roads a safer, kinder place. At Audi we’re working hard to stop that from happening.

“Audis have become synonymous with a particular style of motoring. We appeal to the sort of arrogant bell-end who’d happily shunt his own mother’s car into a lorry if it meant he’d get to a meeting three seconds quicker. It’s important to our brand that we continue that trend.

“Thanks to our patented and twattish Audi AI, other road-users will notice no difference between our driverless car and one with a complete knobhead behind the wheel.

“On motorways it will drive right up your arse before cutting across three lanes of traffic smoothly, efficiently and with a maximum of danger to other road-users. It will also incessantly beep at any car with  going an unacceptable ten miles over the speed limit, and completely blank ambulances trying to get by.”

Audi owner and prospective buyer Roy Hobbs said: “This sounds great. It will free up so much time I can focus on being an utter prick in other areas of my life.”

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How much are you willing to pay to get pissed?

IT’S the debate that divides Britain: do you shell out £40 for a bottle of Grey Goose when Glen’s Vodka is £9.48 a litre? If so, why?

Ryan Whittaker, 29, glazier

“I’ve recently had a pay rise so I’ve switched from eight Stellas on a Friday night to eight bottles of posh craft lager, for example Camden Hells. The first three taste different, then you’re pissed and you can’t tell the difference. Still, I feel I owe it to myself to improve as a person.”

Roy Hobbs, 59, delivery driver

“Alcohol is drunk to get inebriated. Anyone who pretends otherwise is lying to themselves, and worse, misleading impressionable teenagers. So I buy a litre of V-Kat Dry Schnapps from Tesco and swig it from the bottle while staring dead-eyed at the telly, and you’re no better than me.”

Tom Booker, 46, technical writer

“The wife and I keep a fully-stocked cabinet, a library if you will, of different spirits ranging from 18-year-aged bourbons to small-batch gins, exotic rums and artisanal vodkas. It’s expensive, but makes getting smashed every night seem like we’re selective connoisseurs instead of sophisticated alcoholics.”

Sophie Rodriguez, 19, nail artist

“I operate a two-tier system: own-brand supermarket booze for the pre-drinks, then expensive cocktails on the night out. It’s budget-conscious and acknowledges the eternal truth that there’s no point spending loads of money if nobody can see you.”

Susan Traherne, 37, charity fundraiser

“As a mother-of-two in a four-bedroom semi-detached, I feel I have a duty to buy vodka respectably. Absolut, Finlandia, sometimes even a bottle of Ketel One for my Saturday treat. Grey Goose? F**k that. You could get two weekends’ worth for the price of that bastard.”

Julian Cook, 49, solicitor

“I find that my tastes have changed with age: as a 16-year-old I loved a bottle of Diamond White, in my 20s I preferred Gordon’s, in my 30s I switched to Bombay Sapphire, and now I sip a single malt with water. Because, you see, as your brain ages the hangovers from the cheap shit are unsurvivable.”