The five worst times of the day to have a meeting

THERE is never a good time for a business meeting as they achieve nothing and never have, but these times are worse than others: 


Straight in and straight into a meeting, having half-skimmed what it’s about in the two minutes before finding out it’s happening, expected to give an update on your work? Meetings scheduled at this time are nothing more than a clever management tactic to ensure you aren’t late. They cannot be productive.

Straight after your last meeting

‘Finally,’ you think, as your two-hour 9am ends at 11am, ready to begin your day’s work. No. Because another meeting is just beginning, your regular catch-up where you’re asked what you’ve been doing that morning and ‘I was in a meeting,’ isn’t an acceptable excuse. Improvise well or another meeting could be scheduled.


Few enough things are sacred in this secular world, and lunch is one. As stipulated in your contract these hallowed hours are yours to drift through town, eat a Greggs sausage roll and browse the DVDs in CEX. You would go to war to defend this privilege. So what if it’s the only time the client’s free? They can f**king wait.


The post-lunch slump has kicked in. You’re so drowsy you keep greying out inbetween mindlessly clicking tabs, and planning to keep this up until EOP. Except some knob-end’s scheduled a brainstorming meeting for you and six other braindead carb-crashers that results in two pages of dreamy squiggles on a flip-chart.


You finish at 5pm. You only stay longer to avoid traffic. You sit in this atrocity of a meeting watching your free time dwindle, aware that someone somewhere is watching Pointless. You didn’t have any plans for the evening but that’s not the point; your boss has stolen a small chunk of your life. You’re doing f**k all tomorrow as revenge.

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Woman knows colleague has wanked over her

A WOMAN has admitted that, deep down, she is fully aware that her a male colleague has thought about her when masturbating. 

Francesca Johnson enjoys a flirtatious relationship with Tom Booker but is under no illusions that while for her it is a work thing he is taking it home with him and wanking with it.

She said: “Tom never crosses any line in the workplace. It’s all cheerful fun. But when I’m leaning over the photocopier or talking about bounce fit, I know it’s going straight in the spank bank for later.

“Even talking about ROIs, if I’m in a strappy top, it’s obvious his cock’s twitching like a freshly reeled-in carp. Nobody’s this enthusiastic about net spend unless they’re framing the interaction for subsequent ecstatic heights of self-abuse.

“When he’s hungover and desperately horny I can’t even eat a cheese toastie without his eyes flicking into record mode as I brush the crumbs off. Come on, man. Have some self-respect and visit Pornhub.”

Tom Logan said: “I do sometimes think about Francesca when I’m knocking one out, but only because I’m fantasising about her giving me an inflation-based pay rise.”