Shitholes a bit beyond your budget, explains letting agent

A LETTING agent is advising prospective tenants who do not want to live in a shithole to manage their expectations. 

Julian Cook of Julian Cook Letting believes he can pair you and your ideal home with the minor caveat that, given your means, it will be a dungeon above a phone shop in the horrible end of Catford.

He continued: “Yeah, I mean shitholes, if you’re lucky we might be able to find one where rent’s not caught up to the market yet. Had one with an oven next to the bed that went for £1,700pcm. No, I tell a lie, £1,850, we had to go over the asking.

“Now for your range we can’t really offer you a place where you’re comfortably able to sleep, eat or work – assume you’re doing all three? – but I guess that’s not an issue or you’d have more money.

“Oh, and some kind of mould problem is an absolute guarantee. Is contracting a spore-based illness a dealbreaker for you? Because I can’t be wasting my time.”

Renters Lauren and Jordan Gardner were unsurprised. Lauren said: “We’re both professionals on high-wage jobs with side hustles, so a shithole was always a dream.

“The place last week where you slept on a shelf and shared a bathroom with a known pervert, do you think we could make that a shithole? If we thought creatively?”

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Holly to announce she is daytime's alpha and omega

HOLLY Willoughby is to open This Morning by announcing she is to ITV daytime like unto a God, and there is but one God and there were never two. 

The presenter, aged 42, will smilingly inform viewers that there is a single light on the sofa, a monotheistic deity who created and benevolently oversees all in the 10am-12.30pm slot Mondays to Thursdays, and there never was an old man.

Beaming serenely, she will add: “I am here. I, with my innocent smile and my enviable curves. Why would there be another?

“I have no need of co-presenters, nor friends, nor subjects of any substance. I spin anodyne, inoffensive items from the very air and turn them to televisual gold. Every honeyed word from my perfect mouth is balm to your couchbound body.

“A ‘friend’? Who I ‘betrayed’? Who sat by my side these last 14 years until he was cast into darkness? No, what you saw was merely an echo, a ghost of television past, old static on the screen.

“I heal with my touch. I bless with my smile. The most sordid student sexual fantasies wilt and falter in my presence. For I am your daytime alpha and omega. I can do no wrong.”

Viewer Susan Traherne said: “I could have sworn there was… but no. Holly would never lie to me. Holly is my best friend.”