Smug half-term holiday bastards acting like they won the f**king lottery

LEGIONS of self-congratulatory wankers who spent last week in sun-soaked domestic locations have returned to work to preen about it.  

Settling at desks with suntans and broad grins, travellers to the blazing-hot Lakes, the tropical Welsh coast or a Cornwall that resembled the Italian riviera cannot wait to boast of their good fortune.

Martin Bishop, aged 35, said: “The sun set high in the azure sky. Children splashing in the surf as it fell low and red over the sea. Endless unclouded days. In Whitby.”

Colleague Emma Bradford countered: “Weymouth could have been the West Indies. We only chanced our arm for a week because well, it rains doesn’t it? Not this week. Not a drop this week.”

Hannah Tomlinson said: “If it’s not James sailing on Windermere it’s f**king Dawn saying it was so warm up Northumberland you could just f**king bask in it. All of them with these superior grins like they’ve got one over on you by it being sunny in Britain.

“They’re roaming the office in packs, barking on about how cheap it was, so convenient having your own car, it was almost a shock to go in a Tesco and find everyone speaking English et bloody cetera.

“The beautific grin on Chris from IT when he explained he’d cancelled his summer holiday because in his kids’ eyes nothing could live up to that week camping in Skegness. Sickening.”

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Couple finishes TV series neither of them quite understood

A COUPLE have finally reached the end of a highly-acclaimed TV drama they lost the thread of several series ago.

Nathan and Emma Muir started the must-see show back in 2018, going on to waste 50 hours of their lives not quite remembering who was who and pausing regularly to Google important plot points they had apparently missed.

Emma Muir said: “There were too many characters in it, everyone spoke too fast, and if you popped out of the room for two minutes to check on the dinner, you’d miss an ambiguous yet highly crucial scene that made sense of the rest of the episode.

“And because it’s prestige TV it takes ages to make so there’s a huge gap between each season. I can barely remember my children’s birthdays, so how the hell am I supposed to remember the finer points of a show that has been lauded for its fiendishly complicated yet glacially paced storyline?”

Nathan Muir said: “Over the years we’ve been baffled by Succession, couldn’t work out who was the killer in True Detective and watched Line of Duty with the same level of comprehension as our dog.

“Unfortunately neither of us are prepared to admit to it and suggest we switch over and watch something we’re intelligent enough to understand, like Michael McIntyre’s The Wheel.”