Selling eggs by the roadside: Countryside things you have to admit are a bit backward

THE country way of life is more relaxed than the big city. But let’s be brutally honest, some of their simple peasant traditions are weird. Like these:

Roadside eggs

If you find yourself driving along a country lane, you’re guaranteed to see a sign by a gate saying ‘Fresh eggs. £1 for half a dozen’. But do they really think you’re going to pull your car into their drive, knock on the door, start a conversation and buy eggs from a house? No way. You’re from the city. It would be less socially awkward to shit on their doorstep. And it’s unlikely they’ll take Monzo anyway.

Lanes with grass down the middle

Obviously not every road can be like the M1, with a smoothly paved surface and frequent, handy places to stop for a KFC. But a road that doesn’t look like it’s only used by a pretty young teacher cycling to her class of four kids in a quaint primary school would be nice. It’d be great if they could get someone in to clean up all that horse manure too.

Scarecrow festivals

Due to their distance from any type of cultural hub, the must-visit event in a rural village is the annual scarecrow festival. Families are invited to wander the streets looking for monstrous straw humanoids dressed in clothes that have been rejected by the village hall jumble sale. Often used by locals as the latest skirmish in long-simmering wars with neighbours, the identities of the scarecrows are unrecognisable to outsiders and the whole event best avoided.

Pagan traditions

Do you know what ‘well dressing’ is? Ever been to a traditional wap? Fancy seeing some ceremonial cheese rolling? All of this bizarre shit and more is on offer in the countryside. Or you could go to a state-of-the-art cinema in the modern city you live in, and then go out for sushi, because all that pagan stuff is bloody boring and a bit creepy.

Cow tipping

The kind of activity that can only occur in a place where the only sources of entertainment are a mobile library and a twice monthly yoga session at the village hall. This forces kids to create their own fun, be that graffiti, hanging out at the bus stop or pushing over livestock in a local field. A sad indictment of what happens when people aren’t given access to superfast broadband.

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Football fan talks about his team's 'philosophy' like they're f**king Amnesty International

A FOOTBALL fan acts like his team is a force for moral good rather than a bunch of ruthless mercenaries prepared to bend every rule in order to win.

Tom Logan believes his club is motivated by an ethos and set of values by which everyone could live their best lives, as opposed to venal grasping for fame and money.

He said of the team, who are sponsored by a prominent betting chain: “There are clubs out there who are just superficial glory hunters, prepared to win ugly, with no sense of beauty or soul.

“My guys aren’t like that. To support them means more as the way they play is the fulfilment of a philosophy. Win or lose – and yes, they did lose 14 times in the Premier League this season – their ultimate triumph is that they are true to themselves.

“We are not just a club, we are a family. From the humblest cleaner to our wealthy, faceless CEOs, we are as one. All equal and dedicated to the cause, which is not just success in the Carabao Cup but the banishment of evil and the betterment of humanity.”

He added: “And that whole thing about the billionaire owners having links to the arms trade is just a nasty rumour. Definitely.”