DRIVERS of unnecessarily large cars are all hiding crippling insecurity and self-loathing. But what precise flavour of trauma does their dickish behaviour mask?
Being a bellend on the school run: Not getting enough attention as a child
Not enough hugs as a child? Daddy always working? SUV drivers erase the hurt by parking on yellow lines, blocking drives or stopping on the zigzags near schools. This gets them lots of attention from lots of parents, allowing them to feel like a special little soldier for the rest of the morning. Even if that soldier is someone people want to murder.
Needing a giant car: Abandonment issues
SUV drivers are insecure and therefore need to constantly be at the forefront of everyone’s mind, which is why they bought a car that looks like a military vehicle for driving to Tesco in Windsor. A particularly deep-seated fear of abandonment can lead to adding extra features such as alloy wheels, a cream leather interior or, in very serious cases, bull bars.
Parking across two spaces: Inability to commit
Psychological problems with being tied down manifest in SUV drivers not being able to choose which parking space to use, and deciding to park across two instead. It’s either that, or the fact that the tiny car park round the back of the local shop was not designed for a vehicle better suited to off-roading in the Sahara.
Not saying thank you: Pathological demand avoidance
Don’t like thanking other drivers? In a big car, it’s not necessary. Anyone getting upset with their lack of courtesy can simply be reversed into or watch helplessly as a sweeping three-point turn demolishes their garden wall. SUV drivers can’t be expected to notice anything below 1.5m high, whether structural or human.
Having more than one SUV: Low self-esteem
If one Range Rover isn’t enough to make them feel like a worthy human being, they’ll simply get another. Then they’ll tarmac over their front lawn so they have somewhere to park their fleet of horrible cars. At this point their partner will get sick of them and leave, crushing them to such an extent that they end up buying a monster truck to try and fill the gaping void in their soul.
