Friend firmly believes she can sing

A WOMAN completely lacking in self-awareness considers herself to be extremely vocally talented, it has emerged.

Lucy Parry, aged 32, has been increasingly keen to go to karaoke bars on nights out and while she claims this is due to it being ‘a right laugh’, those close to her believe she is labouring under the misapprehension that she could be the next Adele.

Friend Sophie Rodriguez said: “Instead of crowd-pleasers for drunk people, she always picks obscure Celine Dion ballads that ‘show off her range’. She tries to do all the vocal runs and high notes. It’s difficult to watch.

“But a karaoke booth with the door shut is a controlled environment where she can’t be exposed to strangers, and now she’s bought a ukulele and started muttering about open mic nights. I’m not sure she should be inflicted on the general public.

“So we’re thinking about doing an intervention. I guess there’s no such thing as rehab for delusional wannabe singers, but showing her a video we took of her absolutely murdering Skyfall should snap her out of it.”

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Manchester United to face off against evil nega-self

THIS afternoon’s FA Cup final sees Manchester United face off against their even more evil negative self, Manchester City.

City, United’s dark nemesis from an infernal dimension, came into being in 2008. Previously United had been held back from their awful dominance of football by the pious might of Liverpool, the black science of Arsenal and the brute oligarchical wealth of Chelsea.

But when all these clubs combined could not halt the monstrous juggernaut of United, spacetime was ruptured and beings of pure evil poured through, modelling themselves on United in every loathsome way, but stronger.

Football commentator Mark Lawrenson explains: “United faced their own dark twin in every battle for the title. Blue to their red but aping United in every way.

“Fuelled by limitless money, capable of limitless depravity, competition is alien to City’s demons. Blindly copying their hated mentor, they only understand total dominance.

“Once they have achieved absolute footballing supremacy with their unholy Treble, they will explode with power. Their evil minions will cover the Earth, passing and passing us all into submission. We will slave in City’s satanic trophy mines.”

He added: “Or Ferguson retired, United went to shit and City got bought by an oil state. Could be that.”