Single man wishes he could find a woman who likes Friends, Harry Potter and dogs

A SINGLE man looking for love is on the hunt for a rare woman who ticks a series of very specific boxes.

Desperate Tinder user Tom Booker is holding out hope that he will one day match with an elusive breed of woman who likes the most popular sitcom, book series and pet of all time.

He said: “Maybe I’ve set my standards too high. There’s no way I’ll ever find such a perfect woman who’s into all three. They just don’t exist.

“Sometimes I’ll think I’ve found someone who meets my exacting criteria, but then it turns out she’s more into the US The Office or the His Dark Materials series. At which point I have to politely ghost her and go back to square one.

“It’s a tiring search. Most women just want one-night stands, aren’t picky about my height, and hate going on adventures. Surely there must be one lady out there who’s the exact opposite? I feel like I’m panning for gold or looking for a four-leaf clover over here.”

Singleton Nikki Hollis said: “I feel Tom’s pain. I want a guy who’s into travelling, doesn’t take himself too seriously and loves getting photographed holding a fish he’s just caught. But are there any blokes like this on dating apps? Are there f**k.”

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Seven musical acts which are nice and safe for gammons

TODAY’S so-called ‘pop stars’ care more about the rainforest and prancing around like nancy boys than proper tunes. Luckily for gammons, there are still some you can listen to without getting even angrier.

Chas & Dave

Chas may have passed – RIP, maestro – but the duo’s British humour lives on. Modern youngsters don’t appreciate ‘rockney’, and think lyrics about nagging wives are somehow ‘out of date’. They should get down the boozer, sing Rabbit and discuss the barmaid’s breasts. That’ll learn them there’s more to life than woke.

Eric Clapton

If GB News needs a house band, Eric’s your man. He’s an ‘old-fashioned conservative’ and we can forgive the druggie, free-love blip in his career which was Cream. Sadly today’s snowflakes don’t recognise genius when they hear it, whether it’s the riff from Layla or Eric’s pissed-up views on immigration.

Geri Halliwell

When she’s not at F1’s spiritual home of Silverstone with Christian Horner, Geri’s probably still banging on about Margaret Thatcher inventing ‘Girl Power’. Probably. Nobody remembers her switching allegiance to the Labour Party because it’s difficult to keep track of her infinite babbling. The Union Jack dress is all that matters. 

Ian Brown

Gammons’ Covid denialism has been confirmed by the pandemic magically ending. So well done Ian Brown for trying to free the sheeple from lockdown hell with a matter-of-fact song and your well-thought-out public statements. You’re definitely going to buy his latest CD if it pisses off metropolitan lefties. And if it’s not too shit to actually listen to, that’s a bonus.

Status Quo

Has there ever been more of a national institution than Francis Rossi? (Apart from the Queen.) He invented rock music as we know it, right here in Brexit Britain. The Quo had too many fantastic chugalong hits to mention: In the Army Now, The Wanderer, Rockin’ All Over the World. A brilliant song, so long as they don’t come here.

Take That

We’ll overlook the gay stuff, because they’ve grown up and are doing good patriotic gigs like His Royal Highness’ Coronation. Gary’s already Tory, and the other one and the other other one should be okay now Robbie’s gone and taken his cocaine and tattoos with him. Although seeing him perform the working man’s karaoke classic Angels at the hallowed Bet365 Stadium was the greatest night of your life.

The Who

Nowadays eco protestors would say throwing TVs out of hotel windows is wasteful consumerism, or you’ve got to drive an electric car into swimming pools. And with Roger Daltrey’s admirable Brexit crusade it’s surprising the woke police haven’t cancelled the Who because Keith Moon wasn’t transgender. The greatest band ever. Legends. Monsters of gammon.