Dickhead nation that gave all its DVDs to the charity shop now at the mercy of streaming

BRITONS are having deep regrets about clearing out their DVD collections assuming they would be too busy with new stuff and it would all be on Netflix anyway.

Once streaming became the thing, the nation headed to charity shops with film classics and full series of The Sopranos, The Wire and other quality shows, hoping to save space and not look like a saddo still watching Friends 19 years after it finished.

Tom Logan said: “It was only after we gave away our entire collection of DVDs like they were hideous glassware or a dead gran’s old coat that we realised we’d been shafted.

“They dropped Only Fools And Horses and Fawlty Towers right away and now we’re stuck with a bunch of half-arsed prison dramas, generic thrillers and true-life crime documentaries with titles like The Killer Inside or Murder At The Lake

”There are quirky comedies called Trevor or Norman, but only trendy Guardian TV critics pretend to like those, and you don’t find out what happens until 2028.

“Now we’re paying £90 a month across a range of streaming channels to watch old episodes of Yes, Prime Minister. For the love of God, don’t make the mistakes we did.”

Charlotte Phelps said: “Streaming was meant to be a new dawn for TV. What did we get? Obi-Wan Kenobi doing f**k all so he doesn’t bugger up the continuity of Star Wars. The Rings of Power made me think Tolkien shouldn’t have bothered, and I’m not even sure what Velma is meant to be. 

“Still, my friends and I have some great conversations in the pub about Halo the TV series. We’re always bonding over our favourite bits and wondering what will happen next.

“No we’re not. That was bitter sarcasm.”

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Five WhatsApp messages on your phone you wouldn't want to be made public

BORIS Johnson has failed to hand over crucial WhatsApp messages, but can you blame him? You wouldn’t want these messages on your phone to see the light of day.

Your thoughts about your in-laws

Your partner’s family think you think they’re nice, decent people who you get along with really well. Imagine their crushing disappointment if your WhatsApp messages emerged. Your mother-in-law would never forgive you for calling her a shrewish harridan who cooks a shit roast, and your partner would dump you for daring to say your brother-in-law is the hotter sibling.

All the bitching about your colleagues

Everyone bitches about their co-workers on WhatsApp. It’s a safety valve that allows teams to function without killing each other. And you’ve certainly given that some thought. Red hot pokers up bottoms, firing squads, acid baths – you’ve carefully imagined how you’d go about ending each and every one of your colleagues. Even if you delete the messages now they’ll still be stored in the Cloud. It won’t look good in court, so maybe don’t murder them?

Sexts with people who ghosted you

Tampongate has got nothing on the lewd missives you typed out during bouts of arousal. Now imagine these depraved, X-rated messages splashed across the newspapers for everyone – including your gran – to see. Chilling, right? Although the most embarrassing part is how the recipient ghosted you and blocked your number shortly after you sent them. 

Everything in the group named ‘the lads’/‘my best girlies’

This is where the real chat happens. In the darkest depths of WhatsApp groups where only your closest friends are able to see the real you. The you that laughs at problematic jokes you would never approve of in public. The you that shares controversial opinions that would otherwise get you cancelled in seconds. You’d better keep your head down and lead a quiet, anonymous, unsuccessful life just so this incendiary material is never revealed.

Mundane messages that prove how boring you are

Try as you might to cultivate an interesting persona via social media, your WhatsApp messages prove what an irredeemably dull sad act you actually are. Every Friday night you have a quiet evening in instead of getting shitfaced, and the majority of your exchanges are nothing more than arranging where to meet for a pleasant coffee. Even the memes you share are drearily wholesome. You’re tempted to groom someone just to be more interesting.