What the f**k has Rishi got to hide? Six wild and libellous speculations

2nd June 2023

WAIT, so Boris wants the inquiry to see everything but Rishi’s called the lawyers in? Exactly what has the little f**ker got to hide?

He had an affair with an 18-year-old runner

It’s all the rage. Rishi came out as chancellor of the exchequer in 2019 and everyone promised to stand by him, but it’s since emerged he was having an affair with a junior runner for 11 Downing Street and lied to Holly Willoughby about it. Sceptical? It’s all detailed in Boris’ daily WhatsApps to Holly, begging for nudes.

He caused Covid

The Sunak blind trust, where Rishi keeps all his investments and which he never asks questions about, saw the smart money was in Chinese biowarfare labs and went all in. Managers demanded proof it was a viable product in return. It went a bit wrong.

He worked closely with Boris Johnson

What could be more damaging, at this point, than for a politician to be revealed as working closely with Boris Johnson? To be his right-hand man throughout the pandemic while he said ‘let the bodies pile high’ and you kept quiet about it? That’s a resignation offence.

He shopped Boris Johnson

Though being exposed as the guy who took photos of Boris at Downing Street parties and leaked them to the press wouldn’t help either. Messages from Boris like ‘The photo was taken from your f**king balcony you wanker’ and ‘I’ve got the police fining you for my birthday party, how do you like that, bitch?’ would not endear the PM to his party.

He drank the blood of children

The secret of Rishi’s boyish, youthful appearance? Snatching children off the streets, drinking their blood, harvesting their adrenochrome and chewing on handfuls of pineal glands while laughing maniacally and auctioning off the nation’s infrastructure to hostile foreign powers, would not surprise anyone at this point.

He doesn’t really believe in Brexit

Far worse than all the above, which the Daily Mail would be happy to overlook in return for him waving through Johnson’s honours list, is the reprehensible crime of not truly believing in Brexit. The mere existence of a WhatsApp in which Sunak admits that Brexit ‘is not really working out so far’ would destroy him. No wonder he’s suing his own inquiry.

10 great ways to awkwardly initiate sex with your partner

2nd June 2023

ARE you unsure how to broach the subject of sex with your partner? If you want a shag you’re just going to have to bite the bullet and try these techniques.

Sudden pawing

If male, suddenly put your hand down their top. Okay, it’s not hugely romantic, but what do they expect, a f**king love sonnet? Frankly they wouldn’t want that either, because yours would be shit, eg. ‘You are nice, you’ve got nice hair/ Let’s be sexy, not sit on chairs.’

Use appalling euphemisms

If you don’t want to confront the issue directly, try euphemisms. Be warned – they aren’t great. ‘Fancy some nookie?’ makes you sound like Boris Johnson, and ‘Shall we make the beast with two backs?’ suggests you’re about to summon a demonic entity.

Fiddle with their ear

Nuzzle it, kiss it, whisper in it. This is romantic. Fact. If for some strange reason they say ‘WILL YOU STOP F**KING DOING THAT?’ then maybe they’re not in the mood and 20 minutes was too long.

Have it scheduled in advance

We all lead busy lives these days, blah blah blah, so have your romantic time planned. Then all you have to do is produce your diary and inform your partner they’re obligated to have sex with you tonight, like an annoyed landlord telling them the rent’s overdue.

Steer the conversation toward sex

It’s not a huge leap from talking about sex to doing it. Unless you put your partner off with your usual collection of gruesome ‘interesting facts’, eg. ‘Did you know male cats have spikes in their cocks? That’s why lady cats scream so much.’

Point out there’s nothing on TV

…and you should get an early night. It’s not very flattering, suggesting sex with you is a last-ditch activity only preferable to watching Traffic Cops Birmingham, but you will have a shag. Unless your partner is very literal-minded and flosses then instantly goes to sleep.

Sexy baby-talk

If you’re one of those horribly twee lovey-dovey couples, use some of your vile baby-talk, eg. ‘Does Mr Wobbly want to go down the Magic Tunnel?’ If neither of you vomits uncontrollably you were clearly meant to be together.

Cook a romantic meal

This places sex firmly on the evening’s agenda, so it’s impossible not to shag if you do two things. 1. Stick to M&S meals-for-two with clear instructions that only a cretin could f**k up, and 2. Don’t stuff your face until sex would require some sort of pulley mechanism.

Watch sexy TV

In theory your partner’s head will be filled with thoughts of sex, but there isn’t a cornucopia of filth to choose from at the moment. Naked Attraction is as sexy at browsing the raw chicken in Asda, so they’re more likely to fancy a couple of drumsticks than a shag. Love Island is marginally better, but only if you can stomach what feels like an eternity of: ‘Hayley-Marie is, like, leng, yeah? But she is, like, well fake…’

Try a bold, filmic line

In films, characters aggressively say things like ‘Let’s f**k!’ and steamy sex ensues. If it works in crap erotic thrillers with Sharon Stone it’s sure to work in real life, and definitely won’t be met with confusion and/or hysterical laughter.