Cheap, disorganised bastards hold inconvenient wedding on a Friday

A PAIR of scrimping bellends are holding their wedding on a Friday, which is cheaper for them but incredibly inconvenient for their guests.

Lucy Phipps and Oliver O’Connor had not planned their nuptials very far in advance and did not want to spend much money, so chose a day that would work for them but be a massive pain in the arse for everyone else.

Friend Sophie Rodriguez said: “Yes, it’s lovely for them to celebrate their relationship, but I had to take a day off work for this. And I’m freelance, which means I don’t even get paid.

“Plus it’s a school day, so I either had to take the kids out and risk a fine or persuade my ex to swap his weekend for having them. We had a blazing row, obviously.

“And when you factor in the amount I spent on a train ticket and taxi to get to this beautiful country house in the arse end of nowhere, I’m almost £400 out of pocket. Did I get them a present? No f**king chance.”

Bride Lucy Phipps said: “It’s a wonderful day but nobody is smiling much for the photos. I guess they’re trying not to weep at the beauty of our love.”

Groom Oliver O’Connor said: “Having a wedding on a Friday shows you who your real friends are. A couple no one can stand and a weird bloke from uni, in my case.”

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Women over 40 having sex, and other things TV is so, so proud of itself for

TV is unquestionably more representative these days. But sometimes it’s hard to appreciate it over the sound of the creators wanking themselves off over how great they are. As with these examples.

Women over 40 having sex

You mean they still do it? Weird. How? For some reason prejudice-smashing over-40 female sex goes on much longer than any other sex scene you’ve ever witnessed. And is more graphic. Why? Be careful, the only response allowed is ‘Because it’s beautiful’.

Prized supporting roles for ethnic minorities

If real life mirrored TV, everyone from an ethnic minority background would have a white friend who anything important happens to. It doesn’t matter that TV people of colour are all in ancillary roles (protagonist’s therapist, neighbour, love interest’s best friend) or they’re pretty two-dimensional, because the promotional images will look great.

Actors that look ‘real’

This means people who would still be really hot if you saw them in real life, but don’t quite reach the pinnacle of actor good looks, or haven’t had all imperfections removed by a plastic surgeon. Granted, they’ll only ever be given roles like corrupt policemen or alcoholic nurses, but that’s not the point. They’re real.

Wise poor people

He’s 13, living in a council flat, but can quote Charles Dickens verbatim in his thick Scouse accent? Wow. It’s very profound, because otherwise you would have carried on assuming all working-class people were stupid. Yes, it’s hugely unrealistic so it’s not really challenged any prejudices, but well done us! 

Women in general

Women are great because you can make an empowering montage and put it on social media to show just how far girl power has brought us. It doesn’t matter if the role doesn’t really advance the cause of women in any way, eg. a worried mum, a prostitute, or an animated dog. She’s a feisty animated dog!

A character calling out prejudice

Often set up with a contrived situation so the protagonist can deliver a stilted monologue on how this is wrong, actually. More commonly, the prejudice is something no normal person thinks, eg. racism is good. Better make space on the mantlepiece for all those Baftas!