Burgers in brioche buns: Current wanky culinary trends that are f**king awful

NOBODY actually wants to eat a burger in what is essentially cake, so why do restaurants think it’s a good idea? They should stop serving this other bollocks too:

Burgers in brioche buns

Aside from the fact that brioche simply cannot retain the meat, cheese, pickles, bacon, mayo, relish, jalapenos, tomato, beetroot, lettuce and all the other nonsense that instantly falls out of a burger nowadays, it tastes sweet and has the consistency of pannetone. Stick with cheap white buns with sesame seeds. You’re not Heston f**king Blumenthal.

Truffle chips

In the olden days you just got chips on a plate but now they’re covered in all sorts of shit, from parmesan to chilli salt to cajun seasoning. The worst of the lot is chips covered in truffle, whether oil or shavings, because it tastes like arse but nobody wants to be the wretched, unsophisticated plebeian who admits to quite liking normal chips.

Bubble tea

What the f**k even is this? Who thought mixing milk with fruit juice and then putting snot-like globules of tapioca in it would be a good idea? It’s the sort of vile concoction you’d have made when playing ‘experiments’ in the kitchen as a kid. Except there’s a shop on your road now dedicated to selling this, and they’re making a mint.

Non-alcoholic gin

Gin only becomes a palatable drink when mixed with tonic, so why bother faffing around with it when it won’t even get you pissed? You could have a lovely, refreshing glass of Sprite or Fanta Lemon instead, and you wouldn’t be left worrying about the wisdom of drinking jewellery cleaner. 

Variations on macaroni cheese

The whole point of macaroni cheese is that it’s the most bog-standard, basic bitch meal out there. So when people start adding things like porcini mushrooms, prosciutto, chilli, lobster or sodding cauliflower, all it achieves is turning a perfectly serviceable dish into a load of pretentious bollocks. Don’t get us started on the suddenly-popular American phrase ‘mac and cheese’. You may as well start saying you’re driving your Chevy to the levy when you’re popping to Asda in a Fiat Punto.

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Five things you are never too old to do if you're a male celebrity with shitloads of cash

WITH no biological clock to follow, rich male celebrities can do whatever they want at any time of life. Including these things ladies and pathetic normal men can only dream of.

Bang someone decades younger than them

It doesn’t matter if you’re pushing 90, if you’ve done some mega-hit movies and have an endless supply of money then you can still pull a stunner in their 20s. People will barely comment on it too. In fact they’ll secretly hope they can do the same in their twilight years. Sadly, no postman, accountant or IT support guy has ever done this.

Have a kid well into their 80s

Whereas the chance of a woman getting pregnant rapidly declines after 45, a celebrity’s sperms continue to swim along happily well into their 80s, although their ranks may be a bit thinned out. This means senior male stars can sire offspring who will barely have any memories of them except footage from a film shot f**king ages ago. Not too bad if it’s Goodfellas, not a great father-son experience if it’s Big Momma’s House 2.  

Barely do any work

Cranked out loads of great movies in your younger years? It’s time to kick back, relax, and do f**k all. Thanks to the star power of your name alone, you’ve likely amassed enough money to last a few dozen lifetimes. You only need to occasionally get out of bed for something like The Irishman because buying superyachts and condos gets a bit repetitive after a while.

Let your body go to shit

The entertainment industry holds women to a punishing standard, but men are free to pile on the pounds, let their toned physiques atrophy, and grow out a mop of unkempt hair. At worst they’ll be accused of having dad bods, whereas the faintest trace of cellulite on a woman’s thigh is labelled a tragic shame. With the worrying undertone that it might be time for Monica Bellucci, Halle Berry, etc. to be put down.

Continue to be universally adored

So what if you’re 83 and you’ve got a 29-year-old up the duff? That’s just a sign of how virile and manly you are. You should be celebrated for your ejaculatory skills as well as your strengths as an actor. Thank God you’re not a sluttish cougar ensnaring a toyboy a couple of months younger than her. That’s unnatural, unlike shagging someone younger than your granddaughter because you pretended to be in the Mafia.