The office worker’s guide to using the toilets

GOING to the toilet at work is a minefield of unflushed bogs and sharing your intimate bodily functions with co-workers. Here’s how to get through it with dignity.

Have a urinals strategy

When standing at the urinals, EITHER stare at the wall like a psycho to avoid accidentally looking a colleague’s penis, OR turn the whole thing into hearty, rugby club fun with comments like “Time to let the python out!”.

NEVER simply glance around or make friendly chit-chat. You will clearly be ‘looking for trade’.

Take a big bag in with you

No one likes to admit they’re about to have a shit, so take a large sports bag, implying you are about to change into gym gear for a super-efficient lunchtime workout.

Colleagues may even think you have a cool James Bond double life and have been assembling a sniper’s rifle to take out a Russian terrorist from the window.

Keep calm and take your time

No one trusts the ‘in-out’ office toilet user. There’s no way they did the clean-up job properly.

Go when the toilets are empty

Easier said than done. You may have to draw up a detailed timetable of peak and low toilet traffic, with windows of opportunity ruined when Helen from marketing goes in a for a massive dump and a lengthy read of the Express.

Wait for a flush before making ‘noises’

(In the interests of taste, this advice has been written using euphemisms.)

Wait until someone in another cubicle flushes to hide the sound of audible gaseous expulsions. The flush is equally effective at disguising the sound of your payload hitting the sea after you have emptied the bomb bay.

Talk to yourself loudly

Use your cubicle time as a sort of therapy in which you re-run arguments with your boss or partner. Other people will instantly leave if they hear you having a Gollum-style argument with yourself, eg. “No, YOU’RE the one who’s shouting!”

Announce your toilet trip to everyone

Loudly declare “I’m going for a shit!”, or, in this internet age, send a group email. It’s open, honest and mature.

Also the person in the office you fancy will respect – and probably love – you for your bold individuality. (Note: This is not guaranteed.)