The office worker's guide to using the toilets

GOING to the toilet at work is a minefield of unflushed bogs and sharing your intimate bodily functions with co-workers. Here’s how to get through it with dignity.

Have a urinals strategy

When standing at the urinals, EITHER stare at the wall like a psycho to avoid accidentally looking a colleague’s penis, OR turn the whole thing into hearty, rugby club fun with comments like “Time to let the python out!”.

NEVER simply glance around or make friendly chit-chat. You will clearly be ‘looking for trade’.

Take a big bag in with you

No one likes to admit they’re about to have a shit, so take a large sports bag, implying you are about to change into gym gear for a super-efficient lunchtime workout.

Colleagues may even think you have a cool James Bond double life and have been assembling a sniper’s rifle to take out a Russian terrorist from the window.

Keep calm and take your time

No one trusts the ‘in-out’ office toilet user. There’s no way they did the clean-up job properly.

Go when the toilets are empty

Easier said than done. You may have to draw up a detailed timetable of peak and low toilet traffic, with windows of opportunity ruined when Helen from marketing goes in a for a massive dump and a lengthy read of the Express.

Wait for a flush before making ‘noises’

(In the interests of taste, this advice has been written using euphemisms.)

Wait until someone in another cubicle flushes to hide the sound of audible gaseous expulsions. The flush is equally effective at disguising the sound of your payload hitting the sea after you have emptied the bomb bay.

Talk to yourself loudly

Use your cubicle time as a sort of therapy in which you re-run arguments with your boss or partner. Other people will instantly leave if they hear you having a Gollum-style argument with yourself, eg. “No, YOU’RE the one who’s shouting!”

Announce your toilet trip to everyone

Loudly declare “I’m going for a shit!”, or, in this internet age, send a group email. It’s open, honest and mature.

Also the person in the office you fancy will respect – and probably love – you for your bold individuality. (Note: This is not guaranteed.)

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Parents head to park to spend quality time with their smartphone

PARENTS are taking the kids to the park this summer in the hope they get some uninterrupted time on their phones.

Mums and dads plan to dick around on Facebook in the sunshine until their battery dies or someone wants pushing on the fucking swing again.

Mum of three, Emma Bradford said: “I should have at least ten minutes before someone needs a wee, falls over or asks me to come and watch them do something very dull.

“I mean seriously, have you seen ‘how high’ a four-year-old can go on a swing? Well, I have about 600 times and take it from me, it’s very boring and not actually ‘high’ at all.

“Sorry kid, but I’d rather look at 328 photos of that twat from work in the Maldives or do a quiz about which 80s pop song describes my sex life.

“I just hope there’s no one there otherwise I’ll have to put my phone away and pretend I actually enjoy watching the kids ‘go backwards up the slide’ like they invented that shit.

“So I better crack on. I’ve told the kids they only have 72 per cent until home time.”