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Unashamed office bastard makes himself another selfish coffee

A WORKPLACE prick is heading to the kitchen to make a hot drink without asking a single colleague if they want one.

Self-centred tosser Nathan Muir has chosen to make a brew just for himself, despite having been in a round of three coffees, two teas and an Earl Grey with oat milk since he started the job two years ago.

Boss Donna Sheridan said: “Nathan thinks he’s being slick by pretending he’s going to the photocopier and then making a detour to the kitchen. But we know he’s got his mug stashed in his jacket pocket.

“His other classic routine is to make himself a drink on the way back from one of his lengthy bathroom breaks, then saying ‘Oh, I didn’t realise you wanted one’ when he gets back clutching a piping hot mug. In terms of subterfuge, it’s hardly Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy.

“Still, we get him back by occasionally gobbing in the coffees we make for him. Disgusting? Yes. Satisfying? Very.”

Muir said: “I’m prepared to be part of a game of saliva Russian roulette if it means I don’t have to make those annoying twats a drink. In fact, it’s the only interesting part of this job.”

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How to pull Taylor Swift while she's on the rebound

TAYLOR Swift has split up with boyfriend Matty Healy of The 1975. All’s fair in love and war, so here’s how to worm your way into Ms Swift’s affections while she’s at a low ebb.

Familiarise yourself with her hits

If you’re not a fan, listening from everything from Tim McGraw to Karma will be a pain in the arse, but you can’t risk saying something like ‘I loved I Kissed a Girl’. Luckily Taylor’s pretty talented so it could be a lot worse. You could be trying to shag Adele.

Be a shoulder to cry on 

Taylor’s bound to still be upset about her break-up. Listen to her woes sympathetically and offer comforting hugs. This sets the scene nicely for more physical contact later, preferably of a sexual nature. That’s just Sleazy Bloke Skills 101.

Get her pissed

Going to the pub with Taylor will be a nightmare, with people wanting selfies all the time and blokes trying it on. God, men are pathetic. A better bet is Taylor coming over to watch a film and drink loads of Prosecco. Sadly, her favourite movie is Love Actually, so you’ll have to sit through that pile of shit again. However we are talking about beautiful rich megastar Taylor Swift here, so it’s probably a bit much to ask that she’s into Stalingrad as well.

Don’t try to teach her the riff to Smoke on the Water

You might think your guitar skills impress women, but Taylor is already a proficient guitarist so she can probably work out this simple riff herself. Definitely don’t insult her with Wild Thing.

Subtly badmouth previous boyfriends

Blatantly slagging exes to get your leg over is a bad look, but you don’t want Taylor moping on tediously about Matty. Diss him in a subtle but damning way, eg. ‘I just can’t see him appreciating you fully as a person.’ That should ensure they are never ever ever getting back together.

Make it clear you are not a ‘stan’

While you love Taylor’s music, you are not one of her legion of demented super-fans who’d gladly rip out the intestines of anyone who crosses her. She’s probably quite freaked out by them herself, so she doesn’t need you offering to kill Ed Sheeran if he’s keeping her off the number one spot. By all means kill him anyway, it’s just not critical to shagging Taylor.

Avoid the Marvel Cinematic Universe

Taylor probably doesn’t want to be reminded of going out with Tom Hiddleston, and who can blame her? And judging by Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania, you won’t be missing much.

Remember she’s the highest-paid female entertainer in the world

Taylor won’t expect you to match her $95 million annual earnings, but you’d better stop doing tightarse boyfriend things like only ordering pizza if there’s a two-for-one deal on, or getting a small box of Celebrations for her birthday. Now you think about it, maybe there’s a connection between £3 boxes of Maltesers and your many failed relationships.

Try to forget she’s the highest-paid female entertainer in the world

Ironically, if your sexual opportunism works out, the pressure of shagging Taylor Swift may be too much and complete erectile dysfunction ensues. Set your sights lower next time. Keep your eye on the relationship statuses of Little Mix.

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