Massacring the butter, and other annoying as f**k things your partner does in the kitchen

PERPETUALLY sloshing olive oil all over the place because your partner never puts the lid back on properly? They probably do these other things too:

Massacring the butter

That neat rectangular block of butter, or tub of margarine, has been purposefully shaped in such a way that you can glide your knife easily over the surface. So why does your partner feel the need to gouge deep holes at random that leaves it looking like a vicious miniature battle has just happened on it? Are they an animal? It seems so.

Not being arsed to put lids back on properly

It takes approximately three seconds to screw the lid back on a bottle, yet your partner is so busy and important that they don’t have the time, leaving you cleaning up various liquids that have slopped everywhere when you pick it up. Well, they’re either busy and important or just f**king irritating, lazy bastards.

Putting empty jars back in the fridge

OK, so there is a tiny blob of jam left in the jar that would cover one square inch of toast, but that does not mean the excuse ‘it’s not finished yet’ will wash. You’ve got a fridge crammed with empty condiment containers because neither one of you is prepared to crack and go to the effort of cleaning them out.

Uses every utensil, dish and pan possible

When you cook, you use your equipment as efficiently impossible, washing up as you go so there’s minimal mess left for your partner to clear up after. When they do it they appear to be on a dedicated mission to use every single item in the kitchen, and leave it all lying around on the worktop for you to sort out later. The absolute bellend.

Letting the recycling pile creep up the wall

Rather than noting that the recycling box is full and needs to be taken outside, your partner just keeps adding things to the top, so that what would have been a manageable amount to pick up is now a wobbly Jenga tower of stinky old wine bottles and baked bean cans that will come crashing down all over the kitchen floor if you so much as look it it. Leave them now. They’ll never improve.

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Man promising multiple orgasms never mentioned a timeframe

A BOYFRIEND who promised to provide multiple orgasms was careful never to specify over what period. 

Jack Browne, aged 23, claims to be a skilful lover capable of bringing a woman to climax again and again, while avoiding any stipulation that the orgasms would take place during a single day or even month.

Browne said: “I’m confident I could make any woman come three, four or even five times. That’s not boasting. That’s based on actual lived experience.

“When you’re dating me, you can forget about having just one orgasm. Get ready for more than that although probably fewer than ten on aggregate.

“Don’t worry about how long it would take. Patience is key to satisfying a woman. Put it this way – you’ll be telling your friends about me.”

Browne’s ex-girlfriend, Lucy Parry, said: “Jack did indeed give me multiple orgasms. Technically.”