Woman knows colleague has wanked over her

A WOMAN has admitted that, deep down, she is fully aware that her a male colleague has thought about her when masturbating. 

Francesca Johnson enjoys a flirtatious relationship with Tom Booker but is under no illusions that while for her it is a work thing he is taking it home with him and wanking with it.

She said: “Tom never crosses any line in the workplace. It’s all cheerful fun. But when I’m leaning over the photocopier or talking about bounce fit, I know it’s going straight in the spank bank for later.

“Even talking about ROIs, if I’m in a strappy top, it’s obvious his cock’s twitching like a freshly reeled-in carp. Nobody’s this enthusiastic about net spend unless they’re framing the interaction for subsequent ecstatic heights of self-abuse.

“When he’s hungover and desperately horny I can’t even eat a cheese toastie without his eyes flicking into record mode as I brush the crumbs off. Come on, man. Have some self-respect and visit Pornhub.”

Tom Logan said: “I do sometimes think about Francesca when I’m knocking one out, but only because I’m fantasising about her giving me an inflation-based pay rise.”

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Shitholes a bit beyond your budget, explains letting agent

A LETTING agent is advising prospective tenants who do not want to live in a shithole to manage their expectations. 

Julian Cook of Julian Cook Letting believes he can pair you and your ideal home with the minor caveat that, given your means, it will be a dungeon above a phone shop in the horrible end of Catford.

He continued: “Yeah, I mean shitholes, if you’re lucky we might be able to find one where rent’s not caught up to the market yet. Had one with an oven next to the bed that went for £1,700pcm. No, I tell a lie, £1,850, we had to go over the asking.

“Now for your range we can’t really offer you a place where you’re comfortably able to sleep, eat or work – assume you’re doing all three? – but I guess that’s not an issue or you’d have more money.

“Oh, and some kind of mould problem is an absolute guarantee. Is contracting a spore-based illness a dealbreaker for you? Because I can’t be wasting my time.”

Renters Lauren and Jordan Gardner were unsurprised. Lauren said: “We’re both professionals on high-wage jobs with side hustles, so a shithole was always a dream.

“The place last week where you slept on a shelf and shared a bathroom with a known pervert, do you think we could make that a shithole? If we thought creatively?”