Holly to announce she is daytime's alpha and omega

HOLLY Willoughby is to open This Morning by announcing she is to ITV daytime like unto a God, and there is but one God and there were never two. 

The presenter, aged 42, will smilingly inform viewers that there is a single light on the sofa, a monotheistic deity who created and benevolently oversees all in the 10am-12.30pm slot Mondays to Thursdays, and there never was an old man.

Beaming serenely, she will add: “I am here. I, with my innocent smile and my enviable curves. Why would there be another?

“I have no need of co-presenters, nor friends, nor subjects of any substance. I spin anodyne, inoffensive items from the very air and turn them to televisual gold. Every honeyed word from my perfect mouth is balm to your couchbound body.

“A ‘friend’? Who I ‘betrayed’? Who sat by my side these last 14 years until he was cast into darkness? No, what you saw was merely an echo, a ghost of television past, old static on the screen.

“I heal with my touch. I bless with my smile. The most sordid student sexual fantasies wilt and falter in my presence. For I am your daytime alpha and omega. I can do no wrong.”

Viewer Susan Traherne said: “I could have sworn there was… but no. Holly would never lie to me. Holly is my best friend.”

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Smug half-term holiday bastards acting like they won the f**king lottery

LEGIONS of self-congratulatory wankers who spent last week in sun-soaked domestic locations have returned to work to preen about it.  

Settling at desks with suntans and broad grins, travellers to the blazing-hot Lakes, the tropical Welsh coast or a Cornwall that resembled the Italian riviera cannot wait to boast of their good fortune.

Martin Bishop, aged 35, said: “The sun set high in the azure sky. Children splashing in the surf as it fell low and red over the sea. Endless unclouded days. In Whitby.”

Colleague Emma Bradford countered: “Weymouth could have been the West Indies. We only chanced our arm for a week because well, it rains doesn’t it? Not this week. Not a drop this week.”

Hannah Tomlinson said: “If it’s not James sailing on Windermere it’s f**king Dawn saying it was so warm up Northumberland you could just f**king bask in it. All of them with these superior grins like they’ve got one over on you by it being sunny in Britain.

“They’re roaming the office in packs, barking on about how cheap it was, so convenient having your own car, it was almost a shock to go in a Tesco and find everyone speaking English et bloody cetera.

“The beautific grin on Chris from IT when he explained he’d cancelled his summer holiday because in his kids’ eyes nothing could live up to that week camping in Skegness. Sickening.”