Woman typing loudly obviously very productive

A WOMAN who is hammering her keyboard to within an inch of its life must be incredibly productive, colleagues have confirmed.

Client manager Nikki Hollis has been subjecting her keyboard to a punishing barrage of clicks, taps and emphatic space-bar blows, which she believes will convince everyone that she is hitting her performance goals.

She said: “The rest of the office is pin-drop quiet, with everyone beavering away in silence. This means you can’t really tell who’s working hard and who’s stalking their ex on Facebook.

“So to let everyone knows I’m a real toiler I bludgeon my keyboard with pugilistic intensity. Sometimes I like to liven things up by letting out a massive sigh or loudly cursing under my breath.

“Don’t tell anyone, but it makes zero impact on my under-par work. Mostly it’s personal emails.”

Hollis’ boss Tom Booker said: “Nikki’s gone through three keyboards in 12 months because she wears them out with her performance typing.

“It’s costing IT a small fortune. But she’s clearly working harder than everyone else so any bad results aren’t her fault and I’ll probably promote her.”

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Baby's first memory is of mum dropping her phone on his head

A BABY’s earliest memory will be of his mother dropping her iPhone on his head when she was feeding him. 

Eight-month-old Tom Logan will never forget the moment he was suckling at his mother’s breast and suddenly felt the sharp impact of an iPhone X that had slipped from her busy hand.

He said: “I shouldn’t be at all surprised if this proves formative.

“There I am enjoying my bedtime feed, cradled in the warmth and comfort of my mother’s arms, basking in her attention and love, when unexpectedly I’m whacked on the head by a glowing phone.

“I’ll never forget the shock and pain of that moment and the awful words that came out of my mother’s mouth following the incident. Something about sh*tty sh*t sh*tballs?

“It was a terrifying experience and I’ll probably be scarred for life. If I turn out to be a psychopath with mummy issues it’ll be all her fault.”

Mother Kelly Logan said: “I feel terrible about dropping the phone but in my defence I was trying to share a Facebook post about climate change, so it’s his future I was thinking of.

“Anyway, he’s probably too young to remember.”