Thursday, 13th May 2021

LinkedIn drops professional networking to focus on hook-ups

LINKEDIN has dropped all pretence of being a business networking app and now focuses on no-strings workplace sex, it has confirmed. 

The company admitted that nobody has used it to find a job since 2015 but it has successfully repurposed itself as a kind of intra-business Tinder.

A spokesperson said: “Everyone got sick of endorsing each other for online marketing and digital strategy. Nobody wants to be contacted by a recruiter to make up the numbers for some nonsense opportunity.

“What people actually want is to have an apparently professional way to message that bloke they met at an industry conference last week, or to update a colleague on your impressive sexual history.

“If you want to get freaky in the print room, just comment on something that they’ve shared about global data storage needs. After signals that erotic, nature takes its course.

“We have over 500 million users because we understand their needs, namely that using the work email to say ‘Would you like to shag 2.30pm Wednesday?’ is considered unprofessional.

“So now we’re the world’s largest database of people in grey suits who want to cast off the shackles of their dull jobs and blot it all out with a good, hard boning.”