LinkedIn drops professional networking to focus on hook-ups

LINKEDIN has dropped all pretence of being a business networking app and now focuses on no-strings workplace sex, it has confirmed. 

The company admitted that nobody has used it to find a job since 2015 but it has successfully repurposed itself as a kind of intra-business Tinder.

A spokesperson said: “Everyone got sick of endorsing each other for online marketing and digital strategy. Nobody wants to be contacted by a recruiter to make up the numbers for some nonsense opportunity.

“What people actually want is to have an apparently professional way to message that bloke they met at an industry conference last week, or to update a colleague on your impressive sexual history.

“If you want to get freaky in the print room, just comment on something that they’ve shared about global data storage needs. After signals that erotic, nature takes its course.

“We have over 500 million users because we understand their needs, namely that using the work email to say ‘Would you like to shag 2.30pm Wednesday?’ is considered unprofessional.

“So now we’re the world’s largest database of people in grey suits who want to cast off the shackles of their dull jobs and blot it all out with a good, hard boning.”

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Five historical events that Boris Johnson would have pushed through in three days

THE withdrawal agreement should take weeks to pass, but Boris Johnson has sworn to do it in 72 hours. What other historical drags could he have rushed through?

World War Two

Six years of fighting? Not with BoJo behind the wheel. First day: invasion of Poland, Battle of Britain, Dunkirk, that good Churchill speech. Second day: Pearl Harbour, the Africa campaign, cracking Enigma. Third day: D-Day, taking Berlin, victory. Bish bosh, job done, all over by Christmas.

The Industrial Revolution

You invent one machine, then based on that you invent another, then that helps you invent the next, and so on. It’s perfectly simple. The only reason it took 40-odd years was because nobody buckled down and bloody did the work. Slackers.

The discovery of America

How hard can it be? Just sail west and keep sailing west until you run into an absolutely massive continent. Once you’ve got there, keep going west until you hit the sea on the other side. There, you’ve discovered America. The Irish could have done it centuries ago and then we wouldn’t be having all this trouble.

The Middle Ages

A thousand years? To do what, be a bit too into religion and have a couple of plagues? Okay, the Roman Empire fell but all their stuff was still there, just pick it back up and start making sexy statues again. You don’t even need three days for this one. 48 hours and you’re back on track.

Biblical times

If it can all fit in one book, it can be made into a film. If it can be made into a film by trimming the subplots and throwing out the minor characters, then there was no reason for it to be that long in the first place. Noah, Moses, Jesus, that’s all you need.