Man begins gruelling training programme to meet girlfriend's parents

A MAN has begun a punishing three-month training regimen to make him fit to meet his girlfriend’s parents for the first time. 

Nathan Muir, aged 26, has admitted that he expects it to be the most challenging thing he has ever done but that it will be worth it for the sense of achievement.

He said: “I’ve done Iron Man, Tough Mudder and the Great North Run, but this is going to be the hardest endurance test by far. I’m genuinely afraid.

“How am I meant to make a good impression without coming across as an obsequious git? Even a Marine would struggle to crack that one.”

“It’s turning my whole life upside down. I’ve got to eat at a table, pretend video games are for the immature, and act like voting Conservative is a perfectly sensible thing to do. I might have pushed myself too far this time.”

Girlfriend Suzie Traherne, said: “He’s making great progress on pulling out my chair for me, but not updating the whole room on his latest defecation is making him white-knuckled with effort.

“If he can get through the dinner without breaking down at how vile my mum is to waitresses, he can get through the whole day. I believe in him. I really do.”

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Five things Brexiters believe that they think we all believe

BREXIT is about belief. But Brexiters not only believe in Brexit, they have a few other beliefs that they think we all share. But we don’t. Here’s a few of them: 

Passing Johnson’s deal means Brexit is done and dusted

Brexiters who just want to get Brexit done firmly believe that passing the withdrawal agreement means it’s all over and done with and will never be discussed again, rather than beginning years of balls-aching tedium. It’s like claiming you decided to have kids so you would never have to think about kids ever again.

Remainers are in it for the money

Voting Remain, as the little-mentioned 16.1 million did, did not automatically entitle voters to an EU subsidy. Nor does every Remainer’s life revolve around cheap Polish builders, Scandinavian au pairs and fortnightly skiing holidays.

The law is subervient to Brexit

Why hasn’t John Bercow been hanged for treason? It’s a troubling question if you believe UK law is based on how closely it accords to what Brexiters want. Clearly the British legal system needs to up its game and introduce amputations for political correctness and Wicker Man-style burnings for police chiefs operating speed cameras.

Only evidence that supports you counts

The truth is anything that supports Brexit. The EU wants to flood Europe with Muslims as part of their sinister globalist agenda? Obviously true, even if you heard of it on a conspiracist’s YouTube video run by a man who claims the Moon is a six-dimensional hologram and corrects misconceptions about Hitler.

Brexiters are the victims in all this 

Mean things have been said about Brexiters. What was the point of a referendum if that’s going to be allowed? It’s totally unreasonable to accuse anyone shouting ‘traitors’, ‘snowflakes’ and ‘the Fourth Reich’ of being anything other than the victim in this. No trade deals until you apologise.