Thursday, 13th May 2021

'Harry farted in the Range Rover', and other reasons behind the royal rift

BRITAIN’S future king and his brother are squabbling, with Prince Harry admitting they are on ‘different paths’. But how did blue blood become bad blood? 


Harry was in the Army and Meghan is American, leaving both ignorant of good manners. So when Harry broke wind in the Range Rover on the way to Sandringham and playfully blamed it on Kate, reducing her to tears, William found it impossible to forgive. Especially because it really was a tangy one.


To take revenge, Wills would pick up the phone extension in Kensington Palace when Harry was talking and make clicking noises. This fuelled Harry’s paranoia about phone-hacking and resulted in a row where he threatened to shove the 1929 Bakelite rotary phone up his big brother’s posterior, shouting ‘Dial out after that, you baldy bitch’.

Elton John

A huge fan of soft rock, William is envious of his brother’s close relationship with Elton John because Can You Feel The Love Tonight is his marital lovemaking song. He also confessed that they do it standing up to all 3mins 3secs of I’m Still Standing, and that Meghan would never know that sublime joy.


A long-standing row between whether Cambridge or Sussex is the best county to be Duke of flared into violence when Harry claimed Cambridge is ‘one university and a load of fenland’ and William retorted that Sussex is ‘for gays’. The two eventually agreed that they will have a war between their counties ‘when Granny’s gone’.


Harry has always believed that William is his father’s favourite because he is going to be king, which to be fair is a pretty big reason to lord it over your younger brother. William in turn claims that all Harry’s politically correct views and Obama friendships are a naked attempt to suck up to Daddy.


Royal observers believe the whole row could be a fake cooked up by the brothers so they can each withdraw from family committments, because Meghan is rightly wary of Grandpa Philip and Kate tries to avoid any contact with creepy Uncle Andrew. Thought to be false because neither would mislead the loyal British tabloid press, their great friend.