'Harry farted in the Range Rover', and other reasons behind the royal rift

BRITAIN’S future king and his brother are squabbling, with Prince Harry admitting they are on ‘different paths’. But how did blue blood become bad blood? 


Harry was in the Army and Meghan is American, leaving both ignorant of good manners. So when Harry broke wind in the Range Rover on the way to Sandringham and playfully blamed it on Kate, reducing her to tears, William found it impossible to forgive. Especially because it really was a tangy one.


To take revenge, Wills would pick up the phone extension in Kensington Palace when Harry was talking and make clicking noises. This fuelled Harry’s paranoia about phone-hacking and resulted in a row where he threatened to shove the 1929 Bakelite rotary phone up his big brother’s posterior, shouting ‘Dial out after that, you baldy bitch’.

Elton John

A huge fan of soft rock, William is envious of his brother’s close relationship with Elton John because Can You Feel The Love Tonight is his marital lovemaking song. He also confessed that they do it standing up to all 3mins 3secs of I’m Still Standing, and that Meghan would never know that sublime joy.


A long-standing row between whether Cambridge or Sussex is the best county to be Duke of flared into violence when Harry claimed Cambridge is ‘one university and a load of fenland’ and William retorted that Sussex is ‘for gays’. The two eventually agreed that they will have a war between their counties ‘when Granny’s gone’.


Harry has always believed that William is his father’s favourite because he is going to be king, which to be fair is a pretty big reason to lord it over your younger brother. William in turn claims that all Harry’s politically correct views and Obama friendships are a naked attempt to suck up to Daddy.


Royal observers believe the whole row could be a fake cooked up by the brothers so they can each withdraw from family committments, because Meghan is rightly wary of Grandpa Philip and Kate tries to avoid any contact with creepy Uncle Andrew. Thought to be false because neither would mislead the loyal British tabloid press, their great friend.

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Dry clean only dress gets Febrezed again

A DRESS labelled ‘dry clean only’ has been given its fourth Febreze before being worn for another night out. 

The intricately-sequinned Joseph dress, which has been worn on four different evenings out already, has been treated to a quick squirt of the fabric freshener and pronounced ‘fine’.

Owner Nikki Hollis said: “This dress was expensive, so I don’t want to ruin it by disobeying the instructions. But it’s too late to get it to the dry-cleaners so I’ll just wear it filthy and pretend it’s not.

“I’ve sponged off the really obvious stains and given it a good dousing with Febreze, so it’s basically as good as new. Nobody’s going to be leaning in and sniffing.

“After tonight I’ll definitely take it to the dry-cleaners, even though I resent the cost and don’t really understand or trust how they work.”

The underlying fug of Hollis’s dress, clearly detectable in the taxi there, will gradually be replaced by new odours over the course of the evening including korma, gin cocktail, cigar smoke and the desperation of a man grinding against it on a crowded dancefloor.

The dress will then be Fabrezed and worn one more time before being replaced with a new dress for the Christmas party season, because dry-cleaning is too much trouble.