Woman hopefully placing stuff on stairs for family to take up even though it never, ever happens

A MOTHER who has spent years putting things on the stairs for her family to take up with them cannot stop even though it has never once happened in 15 years. 

Carolyn Ryan admitted her ritual of carefully placing items on the side of a step, with a her husband, son and daughter each having their own designated stair, is an act of faith in a God she knows will never answer her prayers.

She continued: “They leave everything they own lying about the house like a bomb went off at a particularly low-grade car boot sale. So I gather it up and place it on the stairs and they ignore it.

“They’re always up and down the stairs, thundering about, going to their rooms. It’d be no trouble at all for them to grab their stuff on the way. But they don’t. Eventually I put them away myself.

“I’m doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. It’s the textbook definition of insanity, but the only other options are I accept my lot as an unpaid housemaid for selfish scum or I move out.”

She added: “I’ve actually seen a nice cheap flat down the road.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Brexit: Uh? Whuh? What the f**king f**k now?

THEY promised Brexit would be over after this weekend’s double-length big Saturday finale, and it isn’t. Here’s what might happen next: 

Same vote again

Boris Johnson’s premiership has been an exact rerun of Theresa May’s, only with a different lead character and Jeremy Corbyn even less popular. So why not just demand everyone vote on the same thing they’ve already voted on, before the Speaker blocks it just like last time?

Sh*tloads of amendments

The government hasn’t passed a bill in months because it’s terrified of Parliament making amendments. Now it’s been legally required to pass a bill, by an amendment, and it is going to get amended to oblivion. Likely amendments include a referendum, a customs union, and Michael Gove being exiled to Ascension Island.

Rees-Mogg gets something wrong

The Commons equivalent of a pub lawyer, Rees-Mogg is authoritative among idiots and an idiot among experts. Every point he raises is wrong and he has no idea. Is already being pitched as a US sitcom which he will leave Britain to star in.

The EU gives Britain an extension

Like the parents of a 27-year-old man who wants to leave home but can’t because there are new trainers out, the EU doesn’t want to grant another extension but will anyway. Expect hints like ‘Seriously, can you just hold a f**king referendum’ to be dropped and ignored.

October 31st comes and goes

The UK’s biannual Nothing Happens days are fast becoming a national tradition. In 400 years Britons will still celebrate on March 29th and October 31st by bigging them up for months beforehand and then just sitting in savouring the sweet sensation of anticlimax.

A general election, eventually

There will definitely be a general election one day, and according to Brexiters the Conservative will win in a landslide, as will Nigel Farage’s Brexit party. It could well be just before Christmas, which because Jeremy Corbyn is a white-bearded Red who hands out gifts will mean parents have to believe in him or upset the kids.