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Doorman promoted to revolving doorman

A DOORMAN in London is celebrating after being promoted to the position of revolving doorman.

Martin Bishop, doorman at a top Mayfair hotel, said: “You get into this career dreaming about the day this will happen, but you never really expect that it ever will.”

“I thought it would be nice, sure, but I was just grateful to be doing this for a living. I definitely feel like I don’t deserve this promotion. I feel like a bit of a fraud, you know?

“You hear rumours, you hear stories. But at the end of the day, it’s just you and the door.

“Do I just stand there? Am I going to have to operate it myself and push people in? Nobody gets trained for this.”

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A guide to swearing for secondary school pupils

YOU’RE 11 or older, you’re practically an adult, and it’s time to join your classmates in a smorgasbord of swearing. Try these:

Shit

You may have already been familiar with this one as an exclamation, but it’s time to start using it as an all-purpose description. Maths is shit. PE is shit. School is shit. Home is shit. If there’s something you’re not calling shit, you’re losing.

Piss

Ideal for the novice swearer, because technically it’s up there with the big hitters but no adult can really react because it’s the word they use to describe the everyday act of urination. Experiment with variants, like ‘piss it’ and ‘pisser’, relatively risk-free.

Bollocks

Bollocks is one of the milder profanities, and can be used as both a positive and negative. The former, as in ‘Fishcakes for dinner? Bollocks’ is basic, so to impress deploy the latter as in ‘Chicken burger on the menu today? Aw man, that is the bollocks’.

Wanker

To call someone a wanker is to give yourself a degree of sophistication and worldly knowledge that others will envy. It implies that you are mature to the point that you have contempt for those engaged in a traditional pubescent activity. But call the design and technology teacher it and he’ll do you.

F**k off

The thermonuclear warhead of pre-adolescent obsenity, it should be used sparingly. Those schoolkids who use it every other sentence, usually while drinking a can of Monster outside a shop, dim its power. Ideally a perfectly placed ‘f**k off’ can either get you out of a fight or make one absolutely certain.

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