Your guide to using the toilets at work like a ninja

DO you sometimes need to take a dump at work but don’t like your colleagues knowing? Here’s how to use the bogs with the silence and stealth of a ninja.

Make sure no one sees you enter the toilets

Scout out the entire building the day before and take note of the least used toilets. Then sneak in undetected by crouching behind desks or doing commando crawls. It’s well worth it to avoid admitting you need a shit.

Wear a disguise  

When you need to go, slip into the stationery cupboard and pull on a balaclava before heading for the toilets. Most offices are so strange people will just go ‘Oh, it’s the balaclava guy again’, but if a security guard approaches you, fell them with a flying drop-kick and leap out of a window.  

Soundproof the area

Are you worried that a few sheets of loo roll in the toilet bowl won’t be enough to cover up any giveaway sounds? Instead make dozens of trips to the bogs beforehand and soundproof the cubicle with egg boxes. It’ll take ages but it’s worth it to hide your body shame.

Use a decoy

Ninjas sometimes used firecrackers to distract their foes, but you’ll need something more suitable for an office, so bring in cakes. While everyone’s fighting over the chocolate eclairs, slip away and claim your throne.

Blame someone else

If you don’t have time to do any of the above simply walk out of the toilet muttering about how much it stinks in there. Everyone will know it’s subterfuge but they won’t say anything because they do the same thing.