I'm attempting to re-invent myself as a kind of elderly Angelina Jolie

Dear Holly,

I’ve been attempting to re-invent myself as a kind of elderly Angelina Jolie. My persistent body odour and rotting front teeth so far don’t seem to be an obstacle, but I’m finding that a slash-leg dress does nothing for my varicose veins. Should I just go back to sleep in my chair?



Dear Mabel,

You should borrow my granny’s book. Before a few weeks ago, the only things she ever read were the TV Guide and that little booklet that comes with the Quality Street. But suddenly, the telly is off and she’s reading with a strange look on her face. I’m not sure what her book is about but there are fifty of them. Granny didn’t even look up when Rogue Traders came on the other night, so I am starting to worry she’s got dementia or something. I asked her what she was reading and she said it was like The Very Hungry Caterpillar for grown ups;  far too complex and challenging for a child and I should sod off and play with my Barbies. I had a peek while she was rinsing her false teeth and it turns out the book is total rubbish. Not a pretty picture of a butterfly in sight, just a weird lady who must be very grumpy because she’s always moaning. Very disappointing.

Hope that helps!




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Dolphins recruited to top banking jobs

BOTTLENOSE dolphins have been installed as executives by several high street banks, it has emerged.

Scientists recently discovered the creatures’ ability to do complex nonlinear mathematics. Dolphins also possess a sense of compassion and appealing facial features, giving them three key advantages over their human banking counterparts.

Tom Logan, head of recruitment at Donnelly-Mcpartlin, said: “The dolphins know instinctively that lending several billion pounds to people with more CCJs than GCSEs is a bad idea and have never financed a single undersea drug cartel.

“We had some teething problems with Boko, a 17-year-old male, who’s demanded a signing-on bonus of 1.2 million hake to become Investment Manager at Clydesdale Bank.

“There’s also been sexual harassment claims filed against another bottlenose we placed at HSBC but we think he was just using his prehensile penis to operate the coffee machine.

“Overall though, they’ve been a breath of fresh air around the workplace and even when they’re announcing that they’re making hundreds of people redundant, they have such adorable smiles that you don’t mind.”

The dolphin recruits have been given offices in the docks surrounding Canary Wharf and have communicated their complex fiscal decisions via a series of beach ball bounces and bicycle bulb horn honks.

Logan said: “Once the markets are more secure and major decisions can be entrusted to humans again, the banks will simply employ Japanese fishing trawlers to execute a harpoon-based redundancy program.”