I’m attempting to re-invent myself as a kind of elderly Angelina Jolie

Dear Holly,

I’ve been attempting to re-invent myself as a kind of elderly Angelina Jolie. My persistent body odour and rotting front teeth so far don’t seem to be an obstacle, but I’m finding that a slash-leg dress does nothing for my varicose veins. Should I just go back to sleep in my chair?



Dear Mabel,

You should borrow my granny’s book. Before a few weeks ago, the only things she ever read were the TV Guide and that little booklet that comes with the Quality Street. But suddenly, the telly is off and she’s reading with a strange look on her face. I’m not sure what her book is about but there are fifty of them. Granny didn’t even look up when Rogue Traders came on the other night, so I am starting to worry she’s got dementia or something. I asked her what she was reading and she said it was like The Very Hungry Caterpillar for grown ups;  far too complex and challenging for a child and I should sod off and play with my Barbies. I had a peek while she was rinsing her false teeth and it turns out the book is total rubbish. Not a pretty picture of a butterfly in sight, just a weird lady who must be very grumpy because she’s always moaning. Very disappointing.

Hope that helps!