My Perfect Christmas

by James Caan

You know what I like to do at Christmas time? Fuck broads – that’s what I like to do. It’s long been a practice of mine to spread peace and goodwill to all womankind during the yuletide period – skinny broads, fat broads, big titty broads, broads with glass eyes, prosthetic legs and sometimes  – God forbid – ugly broads with no fuckin’ right to have my dick in them. So that’s what I like to do at yuletide – and if you don’t like it, you can stick up your ass.

One Christmas in Atlantic City a few years ago I was in town enjoyin’ the holidays, you know – hangin’ out, playin’ the tables and bustin’ balls. Anyhow, there I was mindin’ my own business, shootin’ the breeze with a couple of buddies of mine from back home, when these five broads come in. ‘Who the fuck are they?’ I ask my pal, Sil. He turns to me and says ‘that’s the Spice Girls – they’re this like, girly fuckin’ band from England in Scotlandshire’. I tell you, the sleigh bells may have been ringin’, but my cock was also ringin’ – ringin’ and fuckin’ dingin’ at the thought of bangin’ those babes.

So’s I sent this message over to these Spicey Broads, asking them to meet me at the blackjack table near the fuckin’ Subway sandwich joint at eight that night. Anyways, they all turn up, excited to meet a genuine fuckin’ ‘A’-list Hollywood star such as my good self. I’m kinda thinkin’ that at times like this I’m glad I’m me and not one of those nobodies sitting on their fat asses playin’ the machines. Anyways, I introduce myself. ‘ Hi I’m Jimmy, welcome to Atlantic City, now which one of you lucky girls gets to suck my dick first?’

I’m not usually this shy, but I kind of get a bit self-conscious in the presence of beautful women – oh yeah, and the funny lookin’ skinny one with the pouty fuckin’ face, too. So I buys them all a cocktail each, and then I tell them that this is the way it’s gonna be. First I’m gonna nail the coloured broad’s ass to the fuckin’ floor; then the one who looks like Gino’s dyke sister can sit on my face and wriggle around like it’s showtime; then I think it’s about time I unwrapped those ginger fuckin’ titties and buried my big handsome mug in them – nice; and of course, savin’ the best until last, I tell the baby face broad that she can bend over, touch her toes and kiss her ringpiece goodnight. As for the boney-looking bitch, she can keep the fuck away from me – I’m kind of thinkin’ it’d be like stickin’ your dick in a fuckin’ egg whisk.

Merry Christmas to you all, especially Frankie and the boys who took care of that thing for me involvin’ the thing we don’t like to talk about no more.

As told to Matt Owen

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Fuck Nativity plays, we're doing The Godfather, say five year-olds

THE number of primary schools ditching the traditional Christmas nativity in favour of key scenes from The Godfather is at an all-time high.

According to the National Confederation of Parent Teacher Associations, a majority of five year-olds would now prefer to recreate the meeting between the Heads of the Five Families instead of the birth of Jesus.

Dylan Stephenson, a year one pupil at St Bald’s in Northampton said: “I’m playing Sonny because Miss Hayes reckons I’m a bit of a hot-head. Bada-bing!

“In the play my friend Ben Holdsworth calls my little sister a ‘guinea brat’ so I come on and hit him over the head with a dustbin lid.”

Dylan added: “My friend Charlie is playing Sollozzo the Turk because he went to Cyrpus on his holidays and told us all about it. He gets shot in the face.

“And my friend Jack Barnes is going to be Luca Brasi because he’s a big fatty tum-tum.”

Church leaders have expressed disappointment at the secular nature of The Godfather, but said they took some consolation from a year-on-year increase in the number of primary schools performing scenes from The Exorcist.

Meanwhile, Jack Barnes admitted he was intrigued by the role of the Corleones’ faithful enforcer, adding: “I’m going to sleep with the fishies!”