Bra Research Must Go On, Vows Scientist

THE RESEARCHER developing an intelligent bra says there is ‘no way’ it is finished and that he may have to carry on studying women’s breasts for decades. 

Dr Tom Logan, head of breasts at the Tits Institute, said reports his bra research was complete were ‘irresponsible’, and could stop women volunteering to help with his work.

He said: “I would love to say that my intelligent bra was now a reality, I really would, but I think I will probably end up working on this project for the rest of my life.”

Dr Logan has devoted his life to developing a super-bra that will stop women’s breasts bouncing around during exercise, but with very limited success so far.

Unlike rival researchers who use sophisticated laser measuring techniques to gauge levels of bounce Dr Logan personally observes his volunteers using his bras as they jog before him on a treadmill.

He said: “I only got into this line of work by accident after my university rejected my initial proposal to look into intelligent panties. But it has proved hugely rewarding.”

Most of the research takes place in Dr Logan’s office, which is equipped with a treadmill, video camera, heavy curtains and tissues.

All joggers are asked to wear blindfolds to prevent anything they see interfering with the experiments, while Dr Logan always removes his trousers in case they affect the results.

He added: “People often ask me what possible scientific benefit can arise from spending hours in a darkened room watching a woman with large breasts jog on the spot on front of you in a not very supportive bra. Imagine if they had said that to Einstein? He would never have invented the atom bomb.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Canoeist Charged With Being An Arse

SUSPECTED canoeist John Darwin appeared before magistrates this morning charged with three counts of being a complete arse.

Darwin, 57, entered the dock at Hartlepool magistrates' court carrying a paddle and holding a placard with 'I am such an arse' written on it.

He spoke only once during his short court appearance to confirm that he was an arse. "Total. Fucking. Arse," he said. "What was I thinking?"

Darwin faces one charge of having gotten away with faking his own death and then perpetrating an insurance scam only to throw it all away by being a complete arse.

He also faces one charge of being an arse in relation to moving to a foreign country to start a new life after faking his own death but still using his real name and living with his real wife.

He faces one other charge of being a complete fucking arse for having his picture taken in Panama and putting it on the internet under his real name when he was supposed to be dead, and no one was even looking for him.

His wife Anne, who was arrested yesterday on her return to Britain from Central America, is expected to appear before the same court later this week charged with being a complete fucking donut.

She also faces one charge of being an arse, and one of being an accessory to being an arse.

Legal expert Bill McKay said: "Initially we suspected we might be dealing with an incredibly sophisticated criminal mastermind capable of disappearing without trace and committing the perfect fraud.

"Instead it would appear we are dealing with a pair of moronic fat-heads who have made a series of imbecilic and bovine mistakes that would embarrass a two year-old during a game of sardines."