UK Launches Crackdown On Foreign Wind

THE government has unveiled ambitious plans to end Britain’s dependence on foreign wind by 2020.

Ministers believe the British economy could eventually burst as a result of volatile Russian wind prices.

Meanwhile experts have warned that hot, dry winds from the Middle East are now arriving in the UK via Italy and France, by which time they are covered in grease and virtually useless.

Under the £250 billion plan, a 1000ft-high Wind Capturing Device will be constructed in the middle of Britain, possibly on the outskirts of Derby or Stoke.

The device will suck wind from the huge reserves just 10 miles above our heads and transform it into a series of high-energy gusts that will be pumped out to sea, feeding Britain’s invincible army of coastal turbines.

Energy minister John Hutton said: “Two years ago a group of experts came to me and said that Britain was sitting on a windmine. I pointed out that it was actually sitting underneath a windmine – in the sky.”

He added: “For too long we have sucked on the fast, easy winds that whistle across the Urals. And – in case you hadn’t already noticed – President Putin is a gigantic bastard.

“As long as he has his finger on the TransEuropean GustFunnel, this country will be at the mercy of corrupt Russian wind magnates.”

The minister also stressed the knock-on benefits of home-grown wind sufficiency.

“Our vast turbine army will send a clear message to migrating geese that they are not welcome here.

“No longer will Britain have to endure the soft, distant honking of unskilled foreign geese scrounging off our cherished wetlands.”

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82% Wish They Were Pretending To Be Dead

THE number of people in Britain who wish they were pretending to be dead has risen for the fifth month in a row.

Researchers say the latest increase is down to the cold weather, a further tightening of the credit squeeze and the schoolboy errors made by suspected canoeist John Darwin.

Dr Tom Logan, a leading fake death consultant, said: "People looked at Darwin and thought, 'you've got it made, why the hell are you walking into a bloody police station, you arse?'."

Dr Logan said the public had woken up to the advantages of pretending to be dead. "The first thing you notice is a steep drop off in telephone calls.

"Your line manager doesn't noise you up about why you didn't come in today and the threatening emails about the steady decline in the quality of your work tend to dry up fairly quickly.

"Better still, you don't have to have an internet phone, a Facebook page or care about who's made it to the next round of Let Me Through, I'm a Celebrity Paramedic."

He added: "My clients tell me one of the most enjoyable things about pretending to be dead is covering yourself with fake blood and then pressing your face against living room windows of people you don't like.

"Or you could wait until one of your enemies comes out of his office and stand on the other side of the road just staring and pointing at him."

But Dr Logan stressed there were a few golden rules to ensure a long and successful fake death.
"Planning is everything. Make sure you have a place to live, a source of food and no matter how tempting it may seem at the time, do not have your photograph taken for a Panamanian website."