Northern Rock? I Shit 'Em

By Mervyn King, Governor of the Bank of England

NORTHERN Rock? Knob-gobblers, more like. That bucket-fanny chairman turns up at my gaffe, pin-striped, watch chain, Saville-fuckin'-Row. Says “Merv, I’m out of my depth, need 30 bills for a bail or we are getting arse-banged by the regulator and, by the way, so are you.” Cock-swiveller.

He thinks I’m going to roll-over, wave my plunger in the air and pipe him aboard because if he craps, the whole fuckin' market goes down the shitter with him; just because he’s fucked every granny in Geordieland for her savings and then pissed them into the Tyne I’ll open up my legs and show him my muff stilton. What am I? A fuckin' minge-winker?

So he’s sitting there all smug, asking me when I can make the injection, and I’m playing him along, acting proper concerned, then I reach under the desk, pull out my shooter, shove it right up his posh toffee nose, cock the trigger and say: “How’s about I inject this up your back-hole and bail your guts all over the wall, you piss-faced tit-cocker.” And he pebbles his boxers on the spot. Saville Row shitpants. I nearly pissed myself.

Next it’s Lloyds-wanking-TSB. They want 30 huge so they can buy the Northern and keep it hush-hush. Thirty wanking billion? Fucking shit-knockers, I say and get Terry to show them the quick way out, down the fucking fire escape, head fucking first. They’re worse than the Geordies. Bumrubbers, the lot of them.

Then it’s Bernanke on the dog. “Merv, Merv,” he says, “we've lent billions to the blacks and the rednecks and now they won’t give us a penny back. My sub-prime is so fucking sub it’s underwater. What am I gonna do?” Nonce.

“Bernie,” I say, “I got Darling here leaking dirty water because he’s been in the job three days, bust one bank and cluster-fucked the markets. Brown is trampling on his love spuds every morning then getting on the blower to me to fix it right now or he’ll have my nads on a spike. Yesterday. And you want my help 'cos you’ve been legged over by some inbreds? If you hadn't pissed it in the first place none us would be in this fucking bumchain. I shit you not. Now fuck off.”

Any road up, better get myself spruced. Speaking to a load of brokers at the Mansion House tonight. Cock-swappers.

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Met Chief Refuses To Resign After Setting Fire To A Tramp

METROPOLITAN  Police Commissioner Sir Ian Blair has refused to resign despite setting fire to a tramp in central London.

Sir Ian said he was too important to the fight against terrorism to be forced from his post by people who were sentimental about vagrants.

He faced down his critics after the Independent Police Complaints Commission pin-pointed a series of management failings which led to Sir Ian torching an anonymous hobo under a railway arch near Vauxhall tube station.

Sir Ian said: "There is nothing in this report to suggest that a future Metropolitan Police Commissioner, faced with the same set of circumstances, would not set fire to a tramp.

"A senior policeman who has finished work for the day, is a bit bored and is looking for someone to set fire to is just one of the many risks we now face.

"I deeply regret the chain of events which led to me setting fire to that tramp, but I have to tell you I would not hesitate to do it again."

Sir Ian stressed that the tramp in question was not English, adding: "Throughout this inquiry I have made it clear that he looked and sounded foreign. If I had to guess, I would say he was Scottish.

"Are we really going to hand a victory to Al-Qaeda because I set fire to some random Scotsman?"