SCIENTISTS do not have the faintest idea about anything anymore and are not even 100% sure of that, they admitted last night.
According to scientists their latest research proves conclusively that people should not listen to a word they say, including when they tell them not to listen to a word they say.
The scientists are now urging everyone to follow their advice as usual, but only if the advice is to ignore them, and if it isn’t they say people should pay no attention to them at all.
Dr Wayne Hayes, director of science at the Institute of Science, said: “You see this? Is it my arse or my elbow? I haven’t a bloody clue.”
Dr Hayes said research published by the Institute in the journal Nature this week showed “beyond any doubt” that sunbathing made your skin look old and young at the same time.
“It might just be a trick of the light,” he said. “Or it could just be that whole arse-elbow dynamic. I’ve really no idea.”
Nikki Hollis, 26, said she had contacted the Institute this week to ask them whether it was safe to drink a glass of wine a day during pregnancy.
She said: “On Monday they said it was fine, but the next day they said even one drop would make my baby come out looking like Paul Daniels. I’ve been crying ever since.”
Dr Hayes said: “Arse? Elbow? Thoughts anyone?”