'We Haven't Got A F*cking Clue' Admit Scientists

SCIENTISTS do not have the faintest idea about anything anymore and are not even 100% sure of that, they admitted last night. 

According to scientists their latest research proves conclusively that people should not listen to a word they say, including when they tell them not to listen to a word they say.

The scientists are now urging everyone to follow their advice as usual, but only if the advice is to ignore them, and if it isn’t they say people should pay no attention to them at all.

Dr Wayne Hayes, director of science at the Institute of Science, said: “You see this? Is it my arse or my elbow? I haven’t a bloody clue.”

Dr Hayes said research published by the Institute in the journal Nature this week showed “beyond any doubt” that sunbathing made your skin look old and young at the same time.

“It might just be a trick of the light,” he said. “Or it could just be that whole arse-elbow dynamic. I’ve really no idea.”

Nikki Hollis, 26, said she had contacted the Institute this week to ask them whether it was safe to drink a glass of wine a day during pregnancy.

She said: “On Monday they said it was fine, but the next day they said even one drop would make my baby come out looking like Paul Daniels. I’ve been crying ever since.”

Dr Hayes said: “Arse? Elbow? Thoughts anyone?”

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China Sets New Light Speed Record

CHINA has asserted its growing technological dominance by setting a new record for the speed of light.

Scientists at the Shanghai Institute for Technology have pushed the speed to 197,345 miles per second, shattering the previous record of 186,282 miles per second set by the BBC Tomorrow's World team in 1976.

It took the Chinese just three attempts to set the new record using a network of powerful lasers, a crystal magnifying glass and 14 million people on exercise bicycles.

The Chinese government said they would use the new super-fast light for peaceful purposes, insisting 'the systematic enslavement of all humans is not on the agenda'.

Mankind has been in a constant battle with the speed of light since Sir Isaac Newton set the first record in 1687.

Using a specially designed horse, the Cambridge physicist pushed the speed of light to more than 12 miles per hour.

After Newton's triumph light was transported via horseback for the next 150 years, until Isambard Kingdom Brunel patented his Condensing Light Refractor and Cotton Separator.

Brunel's obsession with the record led to fears that the world would eventually implode or fold-up like a huge origami swan.

An editorial in The Times from July 25th 1846 warned: "Light is one of our most unstable gasses. Mr Brunel is exposing Her Majesty the Queen to the greatest peril."

The international community is now watching closely amid fears China is planning to start a war on the moon.