One Woman's Week: God Is With Me

By Karen Fenessey

I don’t know if it’s like this all over the country, but summer seems to be a total disappointment this year. I, for one, believe that this is all down to emissions from greenhouse gases and I make a point of ramming this home to my class of planet-killing P2s, who spend more time leaking out radioactive rays on their silly X-boxes than lowering the damage left all over the world by their grubby carbon fingerprints.

The troubled soul diva, Whitney Houston, sang ‘I believe the children are our future’ and I think that she is exactly right in this and other matters of great importance. Because, in 50 years time when I am hopefully dead, this planet will be swimming in raw sewage and human waste, assailed every day by fall out from the black hole sun and full of text language and disgusting ‘R n B’ music.

And then those idiotic children will cry and cry, wishing that for just one day they could return to my class and listen properly this time. God has ways of punishing people for laziness and stupidity, and this is just one of them. Others include terminable diseases, road traffic accidents and assaults. Don’t believe me? Well, answer me this: why have I never been ill or involved in an accident? Evidently, I have nothing to fear from death.

Donny, on the other hand, has a great deal to be worried about. He participates in a number of Godless activities and, no matter how hard I try, he will not stop to think about what will happen after he ‘passes on’. Smoking for one: doesn’t he see that by inhaling foul nicotine, he is simply killing himself gradually day by day? God doesn’t look kindly upon weak-minded suicides! Secondly, being in a ridiculous band: is it only me who can read God’s mind about His plans for Donny? Donny does not belong on a pub stage surrounded by alcoholic tarts in stupid leggings – he belongs in a legal firm, earning thousands of pounds for exercising justice in society.

But the thing that Donny will have most trouble explaining to Our Lord (especially if the Virgin Mary is with Him) is his habit of vile masturbation. Donny refuses to discuss this problem even when it’s just the two of us on a cosy night out in Bella Italia, so it’s obviously going to be difficult for him in front of a Woman who probably doesn’t even know what Donny and God are talking about.

One of the Creator’s biggest gripes is reserved for puny men who aren’t strong enough to resist puking up their penises all over the couch, the shower curtain or a brand new Louis Vuitton Italian leather with brass trim handbag, bought just days ago for £380 in Harvey Nicks. When God asks me if I have ever done such a thing, I will be able to proudly announce, ‘No! And furthermore, I never switch the TV onto standby overnight or leave the fridge door open for no reason WHATSOEVER’. Whereas, Donny will have a lot of explaining to do if he is to join me for eternal paradise.

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US Government Loses 200,000 Iraqis In Iraq

THE US Army has mislaid 200,000 Iraqi civilians in the last four years but thinks most of them have probably just gone on holiday for a “bit of a break”. 

Official watchdogs at the Government Accountability Office said it had looked everywhere for the Iraqis, who were definitely there before their country was invaded.

However, the official report for the Pentagon says the missing citizens appear to have vanished “in a puff of smoke” after the US Army moved in.

US Army spokesman Major Eugene Irwin said he was confident most of them were still around somewhere and that they would all turn up “sooner or later”.

Major Irwin said: “I do have to admit it’s very odd, whole villages and towns just appear to have emptied of people almost at exactly the same time as our soldiers and airmen turned up.

“We think they’ve all gone on holiday or are staying with relatives but it does seem strange. I mean why would they completely demolish their own houses and reduce their villages to rubble if they were just going out of town for a few days?”