Power-thinking, with Dr Morris O'Connor

Finding your soulmate

Your current reality or your current life is as you created it. If you haven’t found your soulmate, or you wish you had a better one, you’re the one to blame. Like me, you can have the finest and most elegant soulmate this planet has to offer.

One day I went to the home of a very famous film director. He had been blessed with money, a beautiful home, rock hard abs and sturdy, powerful legs. As we looked through the tapes of all the women he had slept with and secretly filmed I said to him, “These tapes are smoking hot, I am as hard as a blacksmiths hammer right now and yet you are having trouble in your romantic life.”

He replied: “It’s true, I love having risky sex, but often I’m distracted because I know my personal administration is in a mess. I want to meet my soulmate – the one who’ll satisfy me and sort out my bills and stuff.”

I then challenged him to take it to the next level: “Why don’t you film that too? Make your goal secretly capturing on tape a woman that can satisfy your lust, sort out bills and maybe even replace that lost driving license.”

Six months later I saw him and asked about his love life. “Great!” he shouted, “I met this perfect 10 and got her on tape filing my tax return by hiding a camera in an executive teddy bear on my desk. She is now my soulmate.

“For years I’ve had hot distracted sex and now I have just hot sex because all my bills are on a neat direct debit system. She’s like a sexy PA that I don’t have to pay for.”

“Got her number?” I jested, as I’m probably happier than he is with my own soulmate, Pae Pwang, who looks breathtaking in a bikini and has the sophistication of a world class golfer.

The story of the unorganised, horny film director is the perfect example of how visualising your goal and then secretly taping it can create the desired result.

Dr Morris O’Connor is the author of Playing On Their Insecurities: Verbal Strategies For Snapping Up A Rich Man’s Daughter  

 

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Allardyce returns to double glazing factory

BLACKBURN Rovers have confirmed that Sam Allardyce will return to his post as regional sales executive for Ossett Windows.

The former manager has confounded expectations for over 15 years by managing some of the biggest football teams in the land despite being an adequate home improvement salesman with no football experience.

Allardyce said: “It’s been a hell of a ride ever since I got pissed during the 1994 North West Windows Conference and woke up to find I was managing Blackpool.

“One minute I’m driving around Lancashire in a Ford Mondeo full of uPVC catalogues, the next I’m being asked about zonal marking, whatever that is.

“I just told them to hoof it towards the goal and see what happens. And if that didn’t work I would advise them to invest in a new conservatory.”

Brian Ossett said: “I am delighted to welcome back the fifteenth most successful salesman I have ever had.”

The club’s new owners called time on Allardyce after several players complained they were dropped for refusing to have their guttering replaced.

Many were also unhappy that Christopher Samba was made captain simply because he allowed Allardyce to give him an estimate on a pair of dormer windows.

Allardyce added: “I think the era of my type of management is over and I won’t be surprised if Roy Hodgson gets the elbow when his bosses realise he actually runs a Daihatsu dealership in Croydon or Ian Holloway when Blackpool get a call from that Somerset village asking for their idiot back.”