Councils to sack all the wrong people

CASH-strapped local councils have pledged to identify the workers who are most useful and then sack them.

As jolly communities secretary Eric Pickles confirmed a 10% funding cut, council leaders vowed to protect the pointless shits that exists only to keep themselves and their sweaty, self-serving chums in nice cars and lovely Waitrose food.

Martin Bishop, deputy leader of Newark Borough Council, said: “In times of austerity it’s our duty to focus on gimlet-eyed middle-aged women with oversized wooden beads and weirdly-spelled names like ‘Shealagh McLabrador’.

“And then there’s the red-faced men called Ray who need to take six months off with stress and get regular visits from professional cuddlers, after getting over-excited by Toy Story 3.”

He added: “Fortunately, our more pointless managers have contracts saying that we can’t get rid of them without a redundancy package backdated to the reign of Aethelbald on the basis that if Newark council had existed in 733 AD they would almost certainly have been a grade six.

“But we will be looking closely at people who drive bin lorries, clean streets and run youth clubs and asking ourselves what contribution they’re making to things like health equality and bisexual tolerance.

“How many weekends a year are they spending at good quality hotels writing the phrase ‘customer facing’ on a whiteboard in between massive mouthfuls of luxury goats’ cheese vol-au-vent?”

Roy Hobbs, a £2500-a-day restructivisational consultant brought in to protect core council bullshit, said: “If you leave an infinite number of overflowing dustbins outside an infinite number of houses, sooner or later someone will take them away. Also bin men are probably a bit sexist.

“Now if you’ll please excuse me, it’s five minutes to five and if I don’t get out of the door exactly on time I’ll turn into a pumpkin.”



Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Millions protest over ban on Aguilera's glory hole

ITV has been bombarded by angry viewers demanding to know why they were not allowed to see Christine Aguilera’s holiest of holies.

So far more than 12 million people have phoned or emailed the broadcaster claiming they were unfairly teased by the dirty blonde minx.

Aguilera and her mouth-watering dance troupe performed a routine on Saturday’s X Factor final which many viewers insist did not go nearly far enough.

Jane Thompson, from Doncaster, said: “It was a skilled and imaginative piece of work by a group of young women at the peak of their physical powers and displaying a raw, but sensuous sexuality that reminded one of a young Isadora Duncan.

“All it was missing was a shufti at some red hot snatch.”

Emma Bradford, from Grantham, added: “My husband and I would have had much better sex later that night if ITV had been decent enough to let Miss Aguilera’s tiger out of its cage.

“I wasn’t worried about my children seeing it because we have not watched television in the same room since 2005.

“And even if they were in the same room I would have retained the option to use my brain and my voicebox to tell them to go upstairs while the people who actually pay the bills round here get to watch whatever we fucking want without some dribbling, bonk-eyed psychopath from the Daily Mail telling us we’re Satanists.”

Alison McKay, from Peterborough, said: “Do I think that watching Christina Aguilera gyrating on a chair is going to warp my child’s mind and tip them into a downward spiral of cheap sex, drug abuse and fortnightly abortions?

“No, of course I don’t, but then again I am a working mother so as far as the Mail is concerned I may as well be running a whorehouse.

“And I would just like to add that I am getting pretty fucking sick about being lectured on sexuality by a newspaper that seems to think rape is a myth.

“Now unless you have a video of Christina Aguilera naked on a bucking horse, I would invite you to get the fuck out my house.”