Councils to sack all the wrong people

CASH-strapped local councils have pledged to identify the workers who are most useful and then sack them.

They'd just end up in the bin, otherwise

As jolly communities secretary Eric Pickles confirmed a 10% funding cut, council leaders vowed to protect the pointless shits that exists only to keep themselves and their sweaty, self-serving chums in nice cars and lovely Waitrose food.

Martin Bishop, deputy leader of Newark Borough Council, said: “In times of austerity it’s our duty to focus on gimlet-eyed middle-aged women with oversized wooden beads and weirdly-spelled names like ‘Shealagh McLabrador’.

“And then there’s the red-faced men called Ray who need to take six months off with stress and get regular visits from professional cuddlers, after getting over-excited by Toy Story 3.”

He added: “Fortunately, our more pointless managers have contracts saying that we can’t get rid of them without a redundancy package backdated to the reign of Aethelbald on the basis that if Newark council had existed in 733 AD they would almost certainly have been a grade six.

“But we will be looking closely at people who drive bin lorries, clean streets and run youth clubs and asking ourselves what contribution they’re making to things like health equality and bisexual tolerance.

“How many weekends a year are they spending at good quality hotels writing the phrase ‘customer facing’ on a whiteboard in between massive mouthfuls of luxury goats’ cheese vol-au-vent?”

Roy Hobbs, a £2500-a-day restructivisational consultant brought in to protect core council bullshit, said: “If you leave an infinite number of overflowing dustbins outside an infinite number of houses, sooner or later someone will take them away. Also bin men are probably a bit sexist.

“Now if you’ll please excuse me, it’s five minutes to five and if I don’t get out of the door exactly on time I’ll turn into a pumpkin.”