Southerners reluctant to eat fruit picked by northerners

FRUIT picked by northern people would have to be washed at least three times, southern people said last night.

As a senior Conservative councillor was lambasted for suggesting northerners work for a living, everyone south of Birmingham said that was fine, but they would prefer it not to involve food.

David Shakespeare, Tory group leader on the Local Government Association, said northern types could ‘replace Romanians in the cherry orchards’ painting a glorious picture of happy, smelly, tattooed workers frolicking in the berry farms of rural Hampshire.

Tom Logan, an architect from Stevenage, said: “I thought we had all agreed they would be used for picking up litter?”

Helen Archer, an accountant from Hatfield, added: “Not lovely cherries, please.

“I suppose it could possibly work with apples, but they would have to be clearly labelled as ‘picked by northerners’.

Margaret Gerving, a retired headmistress from Guildford, added: “You do know that they spend all day with their hands up their own anuses.

“And they think that toilet paper is filled with invisible witches.”


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Google reveals search terms of the apocalypse

GOOGLE has announced the search terms that will spell the End of Days

This year’s most asked questions show a move away from harmless porn and towards blank-eyed sexless creatures that foreshadow a billion year reign of blood, mountains of burning bodies and another series of The Morgana Show.

Google vice president, Martin Bishop, said: “It used to be all horse lesbianism and chimps rubbing their bogies into people’s hair. They were happier, simpler times.

“It was just me and Roy back then, of course, and we’d hand-deliver the requests for Belgian Scat Screensavers and Hide The Fist.

“But nowadays it’s billions of people clamoring to know if iPads can predict the results of Strictly Come Dancing and whether Cheryl Cole has positioned her snatch in the direction of something called a ‘Bieber’.”

He added: “I went into the room where the searches are processed the other day and for a brief moment it appeared to change into a vast pit of the screaming damned begging for the gift of oblivion and a release from the agony of giving a toss about Glee.

“You don’t have to put up with that kind of shit working at Yahoo. And they get free smoothies, apparently.”

Experts have used Google for several years to track how close mankind is to drowning in a sea of Satan’s hot piss and many estimate that just a few more questions about Katy Perry should do the trick.

Apocalypsologist, Nathan Muir, said: “Pretty soon the two O’s in the logo will turn into lidless flaming eyes that stare into your soul while you’re asking it about Chatroulette. It’ll be a bit like being caught wanking by Sauron.”