EVER seen a happy person get cancer? Exactly. Illness cannot exist in a human that is thinking happy thoughts. It’s important to constantly think positively or you could find yourself with a disease on your hands.

I remember a time when I’d been on a month-long ‘nightlife’ tour of Thailand after several successful companies I had advised used my integrated business process to float on the stock market.

In just three days I’d made over a million dollars and embarked on drenching my soul in the finest malt whiskies and champagne Cognacs. But in my crazy haze I slipped a disc hopping out of a jacuzzi in Koh Samui, meanwhile my haemorrhoids had gotten so bad I couldn’t even sit on a bar stool without the aid of a rubber donut. I had reached a nadir.

I was getting some pretty heavy abuse from the other guys for being a crying pussy man, but through positive thought I banished every bit of anguish from my body simply by imagining how a young Nick Faldo felt after winning the Masters in ’89. The pain, the paranoia and the violent piles vanished almost instantaneously.

But I wouldn’t truly realise the full force of positive thinking until a year later when my latest girlfriend woke up one morning with a growth on her lip. “There’s a bit of chocolate on your lip,” I said. “It’s not chocolate, it’s attached, what is it Morris?” she asked. Naturally she was panicking, but as I looked closer I could see it had hairs coming out of it too. God knows what it was but I immediately demanded: “Are you thinking negatively?” She lowered her eyes and replied: “Yes I am.” “I thought so because it’s getting bigger. It’s literally growing out of your face like an angry hirsute worm that may also be a mole.”

I had to switch her mind to something positive so I told her there was a good chance that this relationship could go to the next level and 10 minutes later it dropped off. I put it in a Ziplock bag and tossed it out of my car window somewhere on the A12.

So remember: negative thoughts are not only as powerful as positive ones they are in fact the cause of despair, all unsuccessful advances of the sexual nature and even sub-standard bunker shots.

I want you to stop thinking about anything negative, you must run up to the next person you see shouting: “I only think happy thoughts!” and then watch in quiet satisfaction as your unsightly moles fly onto their sad, un-Faldo-like faces.

Dr Morris O’Connor is the best-selling author of I Don’t Want You To Buy This Book Because You Could Get Richer Than Me