Giant fox fighting a badger would have been brilliant, say experts

THE UK’s biggest fox could probably have beaten a very large badger in an amazing fight, experts have claimed.

The massive fox, measuring over four feet from nose to tail, was destroyed by cruel vets after all it did was kill someone’s cat.

Now zoologists are calling for a no-holds-barred, fox-badger dogfight to be recreated using the sort of state-of-the-art CGI that would otherwise be wasted on The Hobbit.

Dr Wayne Hayes, from the Institute for Studies, said: “It’s got a great big broad back on it, like a labrador. But it’s a fox.

“The badger may be stout and resilient with powerful forepaws, but this thing would be all over it, biting and punching it. Yes, you heard right, those hefty paws would make a very serviceable fist.”

Dr Hayes predicted that a battle between the massive fox and a large male badger would last no longer than four minutes.

“They’d roll around on the floor, smashing into things and making loads of noise. But when the dust settled the fox would be holding the badger above its head.

“It would snarl ‘I am the mightiest, consider yourself defeated’ before hurling the badger through a nearby plate glass window. Still on its hind legs, the fox would then step through the broken window, seemingly oblivious to the jagged shards all over the floor, and start kicking the badger in the ribs really hard.

“The badger would croak, ‘enough… please‘ but the fox would show no mercy, doing a special move where it jumps and turns into a sort of circular saw blade like Sonic the Hedgehog, landing on the badger and cutting it in two.

“I’m less sure about that last bit.”

He added: “I’m not suggesting that we should engineer a fight to the death between a massive fox and a badger.

“But if we did, it should be in a clean, spacious arena with disabled toilets and proper corporate sponsorship. Then it wouldn’t be like the sort of animal cruelty practised at four in the morning by people called Len who have no front teeth and drive around in knackered Transit vans getting things out of skips.”

Nikki Hollis, professor of zoology at Reading University, said: “We should be focused on living harmoniously with other species, rather than placing them in imaginary battle situations.

“However if we were to do that, just for the sake of argument, I think a big badger would take a lot of beating, they’re just so stocky and tenacious.

“But a sackful of weasels would have them both, if the weasels wore little helmets and worked co-operatively.”



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Boost to recovery as everything becomes much more expensive

BRITAIN was well on the road to economic recovery today after the government made everything less affordable.

With unemployment at its highest since the discovery of machines in 1462, ministers said the best way to tackle it was to make sure no-one could buy things from shops.

Chancellor George Osborne said: “Deficit, Britain, responsibility, angry Chinamen, live within our means, Britain, economics of the madhouse, boom and bust my arse and if you think I’m paying that for an iPod you must be out of your fucking mind.”

Meanwhile the boss of Britain’s biggest food retailer stressed it was absolutely right that the government had made everything more expensive apart from food.

Tesco chief executive, Sir Terry Leahy, said: “Why would you want to buy a new telly when you can spend hours staring at this gorgeous packet of honey roast ham?

“You could even buy two and then prop them up against each other so that they form a little tent and then make some cowboys from bits of VAT-free cheddar. It’s Brokeback Mountain in 3D but without the need for cumbersome spectacles.”

Tom Logan, a former consumer from Peterborough, said: “I don’t know much about economics, then again neither did John Maynard Keynes but everyone still listened to him for about a thousand years before realising he was full of hot piss.

“So anyway, my theory is, instead of taking more of my money and making things more expensive, let me keep my money so I can spend it in shops and the people who work in the shops can keep getting paid because I’ve bought stuff from them.

“Meanwhile everyone else probably works in advertising and so they can keep getting paid to sit around Soho producing short films about the things in the shops that are clearly based on the assumption that I’m some kind of arsehole.

“And instead of taking a lot from a little, the government can take a little from a lot until such times as we all finally recognise that money is a ludicrous, man-made abstract that causes nothing but anguish and violence.”

He added: “Now if you’ll excuse me I was actually in the middle of recreating the climactic scene from A Few Good Men using half a banana and some Monster Munch.

“The banana can’t handle the truth.”