JD WETHERSPOON is selling off 32 pubs due to rising costs, in a crushing blow to pissheads who practically live there. Here’s how to have some sort of life if your local Spoons closes.
Get to know your wife and kids
You don’t see much of your family, and may not be sure how many of them there are. But who knows, they might turn out to be quite interesting and even loveable. Probably not, which is why you prefer Spoons, but it’s worth a go. For the first few months name badges are totally acceptable.
Take up a hobby
A hobby might fill the black void in the middle of your soul where Spoons used to be. You probably won’t get into watercolours or hang-gliding because they’re for poofs, so the obvious choice is home brewing, which will certainly provide you with cheap and unpleasantly heavy beer. Sadly drinking alone in your shed will lack the camaraderie and witty banter of sitting in Wetherspoons occasionally muttering, ‘Want another?’
Find another cheap pub
Easier said than done. It won’t have the same buying power as Wetherspoons for laughably cheap booze, and it will lack that sterile-yet-dirty atmosphere you love. Like a bereavement, you’ll just have to accept that your favourite sticky table is gone and is never coming back.
Learn to cook in the Wetherspoons style
You’ll feel you’re back in Spoons as you tuck into a bowl of microwaved chicken wings optimistically called a ‘Tex Mex BBQ Special’. However you should mainly eat Spoons-style full English breakfasts with at least two cheap sausages. Your doctor may claim this is somehow unhealthy, but that idiot thought Covid was real and not a hoax.
Set up an online Spoons
Everyone’s on bloody computers these days, so get a young relative to set you up on Skype, where you can have a half-arsed chat about football with other former regulars while getting shitfaced on Old Peculiar. For the full Wetherspoons experience don’t go straight to your bathroom when you need a piss, go outside and walk down some side streets first.
Make Remoaners feel uncomfortable in pubs
Spoons was a Brexiter’s pub, so it was important to make Remoaners feel slightly scared. Relive those happy times in other pubs by staring aggressively at anyone you hear slagging Brexit, or giving them a piece of your mind. Be warned though – they’ll try to catch you out by asking you to name a single tangible benefit. F**king clever dicks.
Move somewhere with a Wetherspoons
Your family will kick up a fuss about leaving friends, relatives and local schools behind, but sometimes you have to follow your destiny. You won’t be able to hear the unadventurous bastards anyway when you’re on your seventh pint in Spoons.