Ah, she's f**king insane, realises Britain

LIZ Truss’s interviews this morning have reassured Britain that the worst possible outcome has indeed come to pass and their prime minister is insane.

A round of regional radio interviews broke it to the UK that their leader is unaligned with reality, unable to comprehend simple questions and burns with barely-concealed contempt for all lesser humans.

Wayne Hayes of Teesside said: “That’s settled it, then. She’s beyond mental and we’re all f**king doomed.

“In a way it’s a relief. I thought she might stutter through an unconvincing half-apology and we’d be stuck with a dangerously see-sawing incompetent. But insane you can work with.

“Hates the world for not bending to her will? Check. Hell-bent on punishing it? Yep. Even when she’s sitting atop a mountain of flaming corpses it won’t be enough? Undoubtedly.

“She’s so psychopathic I thought I was listening to a true crime podcast. The pauses weren’t her struggling for words. She was lost in fantasies of eviscerating her interviewers with a gutting hook.

“Essentially we’ve got an economic Putin at the wheel. Anyone who doesn’t liquidate their assets and flee the country only has themselves to blame.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

The regular's guide to picking yourself up and rebuilding your life if Wetherspoons is sold

JD WETHERSPOON is selling off 32 pubs due to rising costs, in a crushing blow to pissheads who practically live there. Here’s how to have some sort of life if your local Spoons closes.

Get to know your wife and kids

You don’t see much of your family, and may not be sure how many of them there are. But who knows, they might turn out to be quite interesting and even loveable. Probably not, which is why you prefer Spoons, but it’s worth a go. For the first few months name badges are totally acceptable.

Take up a hobby

A hobby might fill the black void in the middle of your soul where Spoons used to be. You probably won’t get into watercolours or hang-gliding because they’re for poofs, so the obvious choice is home brewing, which will certainly provide you with cheap and unpleasantly heavy beer. Sadly drinking alone in your shed will lack the camaraderie and witty banter of sitting in Wetherspoons occasionally muttering, ‘Want another?’   

Find another cheap pub

Easier said than done. It won’t have the same buying power as Wetherspoons for laughably cheap booze, and it will lack that sterile-yet-dirty atmosphere you love. Like a bereavement, you’ll just have to accept that your favourite sticky table is gone and is never coming back. 

Learn to cook in the Wetherspoons style

You’ll feel you’re back in Spoons as you tuck into a bowl of microwaved chicken wings optimistically called a ‘Tex Mex BBQ Special’. However you should mainly eat Spoons-style full English breakfasts with at least two cheap sausages. Your doctor may claim this is somehow unhealthy, but that idiot thought Covid was real and not a hoax.

Set up an online Spoons

Everyone’s on bloody computers these days, so get a young relative to set you up on Skype, where you can have a half-arsed chat about football with other former regulars while getting shitfaced on Old Peculiar. For the full Wetherspoons experience don’t go straight to your bathroom when you need a piss, go outside and walk down some side streets first.

Make Remoaners feel uncomfortable in pubs

Spoons was a Brexiter’s pub, so it was important to make Remoaners feel slightly scared. Relive those happy times in other pubs by staring aggressively at anyone you hear slagging Brexit, or giving them a piece of your mind. Be warned though – they’ll try to catch you out by asking you to name a single tangible benefit. F**king clever dicks.

Move somewhere with a Wetherspoons

Your family will kick up a fuss about leaving friends, relatives and local schools behind, but sometimes you have to follow your destiny. You won’t be able to hear the unadventurous bastards anyway when you’re on your seventh pint in Spoons.