Five ways to explain the economy is f**ked to someone who doesn't want to hear it

IS someone you know infuriatingly indifferent about Britain’s economy, or maybe a head-in-the-sand Tory? Here’s how to explain in language they’ll understand.

No, you still can’t afford to buy a house

House prices are predicted to fall by 10 per cent. Time to celebrate, right? No. Rising interest rates will mean fewer mortgages are available and inflation means you’ll have less money to save anyway. And your rent will go up. Your dream of smugly showing off your new taps and tiny garden is as far away as ever.

Your mortgage payments are going to be f**king massive

Oh, you’ve already got a mortgage? Hopefully you just secured a new fixed-rate deal, or you’ll suddenly be paying through the nose because Kwasi and Liz fancied a gamble. Shame you overreached yourself to get an extra bedroom for a home gym, you aspirational twat.

You can only holiday in Luton

You love a foreign holiday, right? Tough shit, you can’t afford to go abroad, and if you get there you can’t afford to buy anything because the pound is f**ked. All you can manage now is a weekend at a Travelodge in Luton. The nearest you’ll get to an authentic week in Tuscany is going off the beaten track, to Stevenage.

You might end up an old lady living under a bridge

Pensions nearly went into insolvency this week, which doesn’t bode well for the future. You’ve always been told that if you don’t have a pension you’re screwed, but now it looks like you’re screwed if you have one too. Invest in a high-quality sleeping bag instead.

You are trapped on an island run by nutjobs

Despite a disaster this week which has been compared to Black Wednesday, the prime minister and her chancellor are pretending everything is totally fine. If you’re also able to shrug it off, you totally deserve Truss and Kwarteng’s next mad economic policy, eg. selling the NHS to a fracking company for £1.

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