I'm still going to vote Tory because I'm a miserable bastard who thinks life should be awful

YES, this week has seen the pound fall in value and the economy tank, but I’m still going to vote Tory because I like the misery.

Britain has a proud history of making everything unbearable – both at home and abroad – so I’m not going to break with tradition by voting for a party that might make housing semi-affordable and nationalise energy. It’d be unpatriotic.

Instead, come 2024, I’ll put a tick in the box for whichever party promises to tank the country even further. And unless the opposition decides to reinstate Corbyn, I’m left with no choice but to vote Tory.

Maybe it’s because I grew up in the Seventies. My memories of strikes and no electricity are clouded with nostalgia instead of the crushing hardship it actually involved. But I think it toughened me up. It’s not true that I whine like a little baby if we have a power cut nowadays and I can’t charge my iPad, whatever my wife says.

Young people now are so entitled that they want a pleasant, meaningful life. But that’s not what it’s all about. It’s supposed to be a bitter slog you drag yourself through. The only highlights should be writing in the Mail Online comments section and the prospect of death.

So I’m voting Tory. Or maybe UKIP, as that will have the double misery of being a wasted vote as well as a stupid one. Bliss.


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Six ways to f**k up greeting someone with a kiss

GREETING someone can be an awkward affair, particularly if the process involves kissing. Here are six ways to f**k it up.

Choose the wrong location

Generally the cheek is the preferred place for a breezy hello kiss, but there are regional variations. For example, if greeting a French person, it’s both cheeks; a dry stone waller from Barnsley, neither. Planting a patronising smacker on the forehead will not impress a potential employer, and tender kisses up the neck will get you punched by anyone.

Be too over the top

You aren’t a 1930s theatre impressario meeting a new musical hall act, you’re an IT manager who has just bumped into a friend in Morrisons. There’s no need to air-kiss on both cheeks, loudly proclaiming ‘Mwah!’ each time. Well, you can if you want, but everyone else at the cheese counter will think you’re a twat.

Have a full mouth

Nobody wants to see a gob full of tuna melt panini heading their way, or the product of overactive salivary glands webbing the corners of a moist mouth, so make sure yours is clean and empty. And if you feel a burp arising from last night’s takeaway, turn away and excuse yourself, rather than offending someone with a hideous kebab kiss.

Say something stupid

If committing to a kiss never say something like ‘Brace yourself’ or ‘No tongues!’. And post-kiss you should not make comments about make-up application expertise or lack thereof, hair grooming or body odour. In fact, don’t say anything at all, as it will just made an already awkward situation worse.

Pull out at the last second

An effective way to cause offence would be to engage in a kiss and then pull out, wearing a scowl. Suggesting the person you’re greeting is in some way not worthy of your kiss would be worse than getting the kiss wrong. Be classy and see it through, even if their beard hasn’t been washed for months and there’s a spider living in it.